I haven't been feeling the best lately thus the lack of posts.
It is days like this that really show me how important I am to people even when I want to shut them out.
This is just a thanks for those who have been willing to listen, to be there when I'm sad, and for caring enough about me to help me. I don't know what I would do without any of you guys, and I surely appreciate everything.
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Today is a day that I've felt like God is with me. I really need Him to help me get through this week. I really just need to make it through this week, and then I think or maybe I do know that things will finally move forward.
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I can do this.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day 2: Your Best Friend Of The Opposite Gender
Here's a short thing on my lovely best friend:
What's your best friend's name? Stanley Kwiecien
How long have you been friends? Since 2007.
How did you guys meet? We met working at the help desk together and guess what? We still work there together?
Why do they mean a lot to you? Stan means a lot to me because even though we don't always have the most time to hang out, he still gets me. He gets me at work when I yell at him for being an dummy or he gets me when I need to be left alone, and he just gets me. He is probably one of the rare people who I've ever balled in front of which in essence is a HUGE deal. I do not allow myself to fall apart in general and so to show that much emotion in front of someone means that I know I can trust them and that they mean a lot to me for to me to do that.
When was the last time you guys out? It was probably a couple of weeks ago, we hung out at his place. All I know, is we need to hang out more, because he is a great friend.
Do you live close to this person? Heck yes, all that is between us is a freakin' alley way and there we are. We didn't even talk about where our new places that we were going to move into and we somehow picked pretty much right across from each other.
What is your greatest memory with this person? His 23rd birthday party. Enough said.
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Stan, thanks a lot for just being able to listen to me and just simply being a great friend. I know that I am not always around and I know that we should hang out more but I just want to say thank you for being my friend. I hope you will always be in my life, and I am glad that we are neighbors and I hope that because of that we can make more time to see and hang out with each other. I know I make that a little difficult because I am not merely around enough but I hope we can try to keep up with the tradition of hanging out every week to every other week? Who knows. Just remind yourself that you are truly an amazing person, and that I am lucky to be your friend.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Day 1: Your Best Friend
I am one who has a few best friends but because I have already mentioned the other ones for this specific one topic I thought I would tell you more about another best friend of mine :)
Here's a short thing on my lovely best friend:
What's your best friend's name? Jessica Baer
How long have you been friends? Since 2nd grade.
How did you guys meet? I think it was in Home Base (the before school program) probably just ran into each other and started talking. We were in 2nd grade so I'm sure we just started playing with games or sitting in the same area.
Why do they mean a lot to you? She has always been a friend that has always been there for me regardless of the school changes we went through in middle school when she went to Central and I went to East. Then we met up again in high school and yes we weren't the closest friends and we didn't talk very much because we were in different groups but I have always kept her in my thoughts and what not. I would say we became best friends again when we finished high school. I moved off to Fargo and we started chatting again. Every time I go back home, I always make sure to see her at least once. She means a lot to me because I know she cares a lot about me and she wants me to be happy as well as I want her to be happy. She is a great person who has had to overcome some sucky life situations and she's living life to the fullest.
When was the last time you guys out? It was when I was home for Christmas and we went out to lunch and hung around the mall. It was a ton of fun because I hadn't seen her in over a year and it was really great to catch up about her life and what not.
Do you live close to this person? Heck no, and I wish she was closer because she's from my hometown and that is about 3 and a half hours away.
What is your greatest memory with this person? Honestly, probably the memories that consisted of us eating outside in 2nd grade and on for lunch and just laughing about and having fun as always.
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Jess, here's a sincere thanks for always being there and for sticking around and still asking me how my life was going even though we had a falling out due to school/life changes. Thanks for texting me and always asking how I am, who I'm still with (even if you forget his name...which now you haven't), how my jobs are. I have not too many people who are as honest, caring, and genuine as you. I love you, and I miss you!
Here's a short thing on my lovely best friend:
What's your best friend's name? Jessica Baer
How long have you been friends? Since 2nd grade.
How did you guys meet? I think it was in Home Base (the before school program) probably just ran into each other and started talking. We were in 2nd grade so I'm sure we just started playing with games or sitting in the same area.
Why do they mean a lot to you? She has always been a friend that has always been there for me regardless of the school changes we went through in middle school when she went to Central and I went to East. Then we met up again in high school and yes we weren't the closest friends and we didn't talk very much because we were in different groups but I have always kept her in my thoughts and what not. I would say we became best friends again when we finished high school. I moved off to Fargo and we started chatting again. Every time I go back home, I always make sure to see her at least once. She means a lot to me because I know she cares a lot about me and she wants me to be happy as well as I want her to be happy. She is a great person who has had to overcome some sucky life situations and she's living life to the fullest.
When was the last time you guys out? It was when I was home for Christmas and we went out to lunch and hung around the mall. It was a ton of fun because I hadn't seen her in over a year and it was really great to catch up about her life and what not.
Do you live close to this person? Heck no, and I wish she was closer because she's from my hometown and that is about 3 and a half hours away.
What is your greatest memory with this person? Honestly, probably the memories that consisted of us eating outside in 2nd grade and on for lunch and just laughing about and having fun as always.
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Jess, here's a sincere thanks for always being there and for sticking around and still asking me how my life was going even though we had a falling out due to school/life changes. Thanks for texting me and always asking how I am, who I'm still with (even if you forget his name...which now you haven't), how my jobs are. I have not too many people who are as honest, caring, and genuine as you. I love you, and I miss you!
30 Day Friend Photo Challenge
I've decided to do one more 30 Day challenge and then no more challenges but I like this one a bunch. Also, please if you're in this do not take it by the title but more by the explanation I put in there. This is all for fun and a good read I suppose.
Also for the people that I've already put in the challenge for that specific topic, I am going to pick different people for that topic.
Day 1: your best friend.
Day 2: your best friend of the opposite gender.
Day 3: a funny friend.
Day 4: a loud friend.
Day 5: the friend attached to your hip.
Day 6: a wise friend.
Day 7: a smart friend.
Day 8: a sweet friend.
Day 9: a nerdy friend.
Day 10: a redneck friend.
Day 11: the friend that changed your life for the better.
Day 12: the friend that knows everything about you.
Day 13: the friend you’ve known the longest.
Day 14: your most fashionable friend.
Day 15: the friend that will have the most kids.
Day 16: the friend that makes the best food.
Day 17: your friend with the best laugh.
Day 18: a friend you miss.
Day 19: the friend that lives furthest from you.
Day 20: the friend you know you can always rely on.
Day 21: the friend that could pass as your sibling.
Day 22: the friend you wish was your sibling.
Day 23: your cutest friend.
Day 24: a high school friend you still talk to on a regular basis.
Day 25: your shortest friend.
Day 26: your tallest friend.
Day 27: your hyper friend.
Day 28: the friend that will fix your car.
Day 29: your most athletic friend.
Day 30: the friend you hung out with most recently.
Also for the people that I've already put in the challenge for that specific topic, I am going to pick different people for that topic.
Day 1: your best friend.
Day 2: your best friend of the opposite gender.
Day 3: a funny friend.
Day 4: a loud friend.
Day 5: the friend attached to your hip.
Day 6: a wise friend.
Day 7: a smart friend.
Day 8: a sweet friend.
Day 9: a nerdy friend.
Day 10: a redneck friend.
Day 11: the friend that changed your life for the better.
Day 12: the friend that knows everything about you.
Day 13: the friend you’ve known the longest.
Day 14: your most fashionable friend.
Day 15: the friend that will have the most kids.
Day 16: the friend that makes the best food.
Day 17: your friend with the best laugh.
Day 18: a friend you miss.
Day 19: the friend that lives furthest from you.
Day 20: the friend you know you can always rely on.
Day 21: the friend that could pass as your sibling.
Day 22: the friend you wish was your sibling.
Day 23: your cutest friend.
Day 24: a high school friend you still talk to on a regular basis.
Day 25: your shortest friend.
Day 26: your tallest friend.
Day 27: your hyper friend.
Day 28: the friend that will fix your car.
Day 29: your most athletic friend.
Day 30: the friend you hung out with most recently.
Monday, February 28, 2011
No Title
I am sorry that this blog is going to feel a bit neglected due to the fact I have decided to write more in my private blog than this one because of the topics and people I talk about. I feel more free in that other blog and I know exactly who is reading it.
It is nice to have this blog still because I know there are some people still reading this and this blog is mainly for updates and happy things that are going on with me.
Like I mentioned before if I know who you are and you want to ask me for access let me know. It is very limited to the people who are close to me and the people I trust. Please don't feel left out of my rants or vents because those rants and vents should honestly not be in the public. I didn't realize before how those posts could be affecting the people I'm talking about because to me it was just an outlet. I was also a little preoccupied with the fact that my site was getting a bit more traffic than I was used to. For me to blog is a way for me to vent and to deal with my feelings in a different way. I do not want to occupy myself with thoughts of how many people are reading my blog. I do admit it is a nice thought that people come to either sites to read what I have to say or because they care about me.
I know a bunch of people don't know what's going on but could you or anyone just pray for me? Pray for peace, strength, and courage to get me through this week. I really need it and I just want to do all the right things...I want to make progress.
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So, in church we talked about images and masks that we all tend to put on, whenever, wherever, and the fact that instead we should all learn to just be ourselves. God wants us to be just as we are and nothing else because He loves us no matter what. I believe in that statement but still an interesting thought. It makes me wonder why we can't just do that to one another? I guess in one aspect it seems unrealistic but in another it doesn't seem all that unreasonable. I guess I have to chew on that concept a little and maybe get back to it at some point.
The point is, is that I wear a mask on a daily basis. Yes, I am going through some pretty rough times right now and that is the only way I think I can prevent myself from falling apart.
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It is also in our best interest to not disclose that deep stuff about ourselves to everybody around us.
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I'm not sure if I have anything else to say about that topic right now but it was an interesting topic and I completely related to it.
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I really like church and what faith it has brought back to me. Also when I'm there it provides me with peace and comfort that I need to learn to bring home with me. I guess I've never seen such genuine people from church in a long time. At church I am also part of the tech team which really has helped me socialize with people at church. I really like being on that team because it also helps with the sense of belonging to this church.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Old Blogs And Old Memories
So, here I am reading an old blog of someone's and reminiscing about old blogs of my own. Anyone remember Xanga? I remember when that was the biggest thing out there back in high school. I remember starting up Xanga because it was the cool thing to do. Wow, it definitely brings back some interesting memories.
I had a Xanga site for so long and from reading someone's old site makes me regret deleting all my posts. I know at that time in my life I needed to forget some past and old memories and that is why I deleted them. Now, I would have loved to read them and see exactly what type of person I was like then, plus I am sure my subjects were interesting and sporadic.
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Talks about old blogs and past memories just makes me think of things like specific things that make you remember people. Okay, let me expand. I have dated enough people (from when I was 14/15 till now...yeah, I know) and thus I have things that triggers memories of past boyfriends. There are songs, places, movies, words or phrases that remind me of them and our past. Luckily, there are only a few things that brings back memories I'd rather not remember but for the most part when that happens I just think about it for a split second and move on. An example? I was watching Blood Diamonds (well I was half sleeping) with my boyfriend and his roommate and it reminded me of my ex David because we had watched it with his family when we first started dating.
Memories do fade and sometimes are forgotten but lucky for me I remember a lot of things (or not?). I don't know, although my ex's do not matter and for the most part I don't keep in contact with any of them often (like it matters as long as we are JUST friends), it is still a different feeling for me when they randomly pop up in my head.
Just makes me question whether or not you can ever really get rid of memories of someone or people that have either been involved in your life for a long time or people that meant A LOT to you. Is it possible? Is it possible to have a memory of someone and have it really mean nothing anymore or will they always bring back those feelings you had with that specific memory?
I guess for me, with the old memories and people involved it depends. It depends on if I'm harboring any internal feelings that I have not really allowed myself to get over or to feel. If not, then for me the answer is no and those memories come and go in a heart beat with little to emotion at all I suppose.
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Just a random blog and a random thoughts.
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And if people haven't noticed I have moved a few posts to a private blog just to be fair to the people I write about or what not. So please ask if you want to read those posts and I will let you know if I am okay with that.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Psalm 40: 11-17
Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me. Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.
Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.
Monday, February 21, 2011
10 Unforgettable Moments In My Life
These are in no specific order but mainly by what things I can remember in the 23 and a half years I've been alive. They are very random and some come from injuries that I will never forget!
10. Being adopted and moving from the Philippines to Minnesota when I was five and a half years old: I remember it took more than a couple of days to get home, and on one of our delays we ended up in Hawaii and that is where I had my first hamburger.
9. My first kiss: when I was 15 years old with Derek Foster at the Taste of Minnesota. We had been talking about our possible first kiss that entire day and I was so nervous because I had never kissed a boy before (obviously). It finally happened at midnight where we were lying on a blanket away from his parents and the fireworks were just starting when he planted one on me. It was a very sweet and great moment even though how my first kiss happened wasn't very original.
8. Getting stitches on my knee from falling on a pine cone: I was probably 12 or something and I was watching my brother wrestle around (friendly) with our friend Leah. I was bored from swinging and so I ran over to join them in their fun. Along the way I tripped (big surprise) and fell on a stupid pine cone that gouged itself into my leg. I started screaming because I could see the white insides of my knee and my brother and Leah ran over to me. Leah's mom put some hydrogen peroxide on it and bandaged it until my mom picked me up to go to the doctor. I got five stitches that day and my knee hurt a bit. One thing I remember is when it was just about healed I was swinging on a rope thing and my knee dragged on the ground and split it open again...wow that hurt like no other. It got infected but eventually healed into the small scar I have on my knee now.
7. Getting my front lip skimmed over slightly by my friend's front tire of her bike: OK, this one is just odd I know but I was probably around six and Felicia was four and I was running after her on her bike. I somehow got way in front of her and I fell and my head and nose slammed into the ground. Right when I had lifted my head up her tire basically skimmed over my right lip. I got up bleeding everywhere and I remember Felicia just screaming to go home and get help. I ran home and my mom took one look at me and sighed and started cleaning me up. Luckily I didn't need any stitches just a big ol' bandaid on my lip just in time to sing at my principle's goodbye concert.
6. Getting worker's comp at Hollister: Ha last injury one I promise! I was arond 19 and I was building shelves that day and attempting to get one of the shelves on. They had these stupid and tiny metal supports and I had gotten them all in place and gently put the shelf on and it was peachy for a moment. As soon as the last corner had fallen into place all but one of the metal things had fallen off so there I was balancing the shelf with no support and trying to put those metal things back into place...I had almost gotten them back in place when the shelf started tilting to the right I tried to fix it but instead the entire weight of the shelf in the top right corner of that shelf fell into my right pointer finger. For a moment I thought I just gotten a jammed finger but as soon as I lifted the shelf off my finger it just started bleeding a bunch. I yelled and ran to the bathroom which at the moment was occupied by my co-worker. Other people had seen what had happened and we were yelling for him to get out of the bathroom, me stating that "I am bleeding all over the floor..." ha ha ha! My manager bandaged me up and sent me home. I went over to the doctors and got five stitches. A few complications, some splints, and 4 weeks later my finger was better.
5. Moving to Fargo: I moved to Fargo for college but it was the greatest thing I did for myself. It made me feel great in respects to I was finally independent and completely on my own. I realize that there's a lot missing to why this is an unforgettable moment but moving here changed my life completely. I have made some awesome friends here and I have never been happier with my life and myself. I found myself here and that is one of the things I needed to do the most.
4. Winning State for the first time with my soccer team: I was around 16 and our soccer season that summer was OK. We won some and lost some and we were in 5th place for our division and I didn't think we were going to go to State at all that year. Playoffs had just started and my team had magically gotten ourselves together and we won all the play off games and won a 2nd place spot for State. We played so well during those games and it was just so unbelievable. We then played in the State play off and beat everyone and got into the Championship game. I remember one of those games one of the other coaches from the team was complaining that we were being to rough but I think she was just upset about losing. We were playing fair and played awesome! The championship game was so scary and nerve-wracking but we did it. The first half was horrible because it was 0-1 and we were losing and we were all so tense. The other team's parents didn't help because they kept saying that we were going to lose and that we basically weren't good enough to be there. The second half was amazing, and we ended up winning 4-1 and I can't tell you what an adrenaline rush it was and what the moment was like at all but it was AWESOME. That was such a well played game and I will never forget how proud I was of my team that day.
3. Meeting my best friend Emma: I don't remember how old we first met, but we met because we were on the same soccer team, "The Golden Retrievers", and we were an alright team. We didn't talk much but we got be OK friends. The moment she became a good friend, and eventually to be my best friend was in band my sophmore year, her freshman year and we were by our lockers. I took one look at her and tried to remember how I knew her and I immediately remembered from soccer! I asked her if she remembered playing on the same team and she said yes, we both laughed, and our friendship took off from there.
2. Getting my first car: This happened this on Jan. 20th and this was one of the best experiences I had ever felt. After not having a car since 2006, I finally was able to afford a car loan and a car itself. I had worked so hard to get this far and I so badly needed a car of my very own. I was working two jobs and I needed to be able to getto both of them and I needed to finally completely independent again. I got a Pontiac Grand Prix 2004 and I love it so much.
1. Getting snowed in with the guy I liked a bunch for two days and coming out with a boyfriend: This happened this year right before New Year's Eve and I had liked this guy for quite some time. We had found out that week that we were both interested in each other but we were both unsure how to proceed from that. That Thursday night I was supposed to have my friend come over and spend the night with me but due to a big, big snow storm coming our way she had to cancel. I let the guy know that I was free that night and if he wanted to hang out we could :) I had also had to work all day and luckily we were going to get out early due to safety precautions. We came up with the plan for me to head over after work and go from there. I was really excited but nervous at the same time because I had gotten a vibe from the night before that he was really unsure what to do with us at the moment. I was afraid that he didn't want to date or wasn't all that interested in having a girlfriend. I had expressed some concerns as well but in all honesty I wanted to explore where we could go and yes, have him be my boyfriend. After we were let out of work early I headed out in the blizzard-like weather, which was not fun at all but I got there slowly but surely. So, to make the story short we all hung out: the guy, his roommate, and I all watched House and I cuddled up to him. We talked a bunch that night which included figuring out what we wanted to do with us, becoming official, and our first kiss. It was a great couple of days with the guy I now call my boyfriend. Along with being snowed in, we also got to spend New Year's Even all together so that was a blast. We have been dating for almost two months and I couldn't be happier. He is truly an amazing guy!
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With everything that's happened in my life or happening right now, all I can say is I am alright, I am happy with who I am and what I've become.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Random Topic Generator
http://www.creativity-portal.com/prompts/imagination.prompt.html
This is what I will be using to create a daily-ish topic to talk about. I just thought this would spice things up besides the normal blogging I do, plus you get to learn more about me.
HAPPY BLOGGING!
This is what I will be using to create a daily-ish topic to talk about. I just thought this would spice things up besides the normal blogging I do, plus you get to learn more about me.
HAPPY BLOGGING!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Update
I realize that my rant below was really unnecessary but because this is my blog, it was good to vent it out anyway.
I pretty much just write whatever I need to write down, and it has my highs and lows which is probably the reason why when people read this may wonder if my life is ever stable?
I just want to put it out there that I am writing in this like no one is reading my blog and I tend to only write when I have a concern, a worry, when I'm down, or when something amazing happens. We are going from one end of the spectrum to another.
I am just letting the world in on my thoughts and what is affecting my life, etc.
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Also that rant has been taken care, we talked about it, it was a rough night yesterday. It is funny how you can get so angry at someone but still like them so much at the same time. At one point of the night our conversation got awful to where we were raising our voices but then all of a sudden we just started laughing and then the mood change. It had a rough ending as well but luckily we were able to end on a high point. He is a great guy, and I just need to learn to trust him, and he's right, we've both chosen each other to be the one we care most about...so I'm just going to stick with that.
I pretty much just write whatever I need to write down, and it has my highs and lows which is probably the reason why when people read this may wonder if my life is ever stable?
I just want to put it out there that I am writing in this like no one is reading my blog and I tend to only write when I have a concern, a worry, when I'm down, or when something amazing happens. We are going from one end of the spectrum to another.
I am just letting the world in on my thoughts and what is affecting my life, etc.
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Also that rant has been taken care, we talked about it, it was a rough night yesterday. It is funny how you can get so angry at someone but still like them so much at the same time. At one point of the night our conversation got awful to where we were raising our voices but then all of a sudden we just started laughing and then the mood change. It had a rough ending as well but luckily we were able to end on a high point. He is a great guy, and I just need to learn to trust him, and he's right, we've both chosen each other to be the one we care most about...so I'm just going to stick with that.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Day After
How was my Valentine's Day/evening? Well it was it was an alright day. I worked all day and my day at Wells was meh...it was long, there was some water main break whatever issues so fans and buckets and were spread out everywhere.
Anyway my evening was great after getting off of work at 8pm, the only challenging part was trying to get my boyfriend out of his mood. I understand that he had had a rough day but it's a little frustrating when all he spouts out is swear words and negativity.
Yuki Hana was great except for the fact that it took forever for them to get our food. The boyfriend was still in his mood and I was trying whatever I could to make the evening pleasant. I was getting a little upset and so I asked him if anything had made him happy that day/night? He mentioned subway and a thing here and there but what I was really hoping for was me, or looking forward to dinner or having dinner with me at that very moment but none of the above was mentioned. I was feeling a little defeated but I got over it and eventually the conversation went in a better direction and I let him know that even though he gets moody, I was still happy to just be with him. I think that made him feel better and the rest of dinner was great.
After dinner, he dropped me off at my car and I met him at home. He went shopping for breakfast tomorrow which I was so excited for because I was just happy to have a nice, laid back morning with him.
When we got home we played cribbage where I lost again during our cribbage tournament. I was getting horrible hands and I was getting frustrated. Nonetheless, even losing, I was just enjoying our time together.
Soon after, we went to bed.
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The morning with him was really great. At one point we were lying there and it was peaceful. I have never felt that feeling with someone where I feel just at peace and complete, where with them everything has seem to fall into place, and nothing else matters but just being in that moment together...
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I really enjoyed having him make breakfast for us and was of course thankful. I was just really glad to spend more quality alone time together.
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It was a really great Valentine's Day with him and I still can't get over the amazing flowers he gave me. It is going to be sad when they die but that is reality. At the end of this blog I have taken a picture of how beautiful they are really getting to be.
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Besides spending the morning-ish with him, I had also taken a half day off of both jobs. After I left his place I went home to get my work clothes and then went to workout. It was really nice for once being able to work at during the day instead of at the end of the day, especially after working a double.
Work was painful but I got through it and I am stuck being awake till my laundry is done...but I have clean clothes!
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I have honestly had a great weekend and just am enjoying life and being happy with what I've got. I am really thankful for how great things seem to be going and the people that are in my life.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
I don't know why poeple are so against this holiday. I get that it is a "Hallmark" holiday but can't people move beyond that concept, along with the fact it has to be all about couples?
Really, I think if you want to completely ignore the holiday I am okay with that (hop to it) but do people really have to rain on people's parades?
I'm sorry if people think it's dumb but I think it's unnecessary to create such drama over how this holiday sucks.
Please, it doesn't have to be about relationships...it can be about just realizing that there are people in this world that love and care about you. I'm sure people think I'm biased because I am currently in a relationship but I think even if I didn't have a boyfriend I would be fine with the holiday.
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Remember when Valentine's Day was fun when we were kids? I always liked picking out the cards for my class and being able to write notes to my friends and receiving candy!
Why can't we remember it as a holiday to have fun and be silly? When did we have to focus it on the people who get flowers and the ones who don't? Or the people who have that "special someone" or those who don't?
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It was cool to see at work people still leaving Valentine's Day cards out with candy attached to them because it's just a nice, simple, gesture. You never know how much that small thing could make someone's day :)
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Sure, I could see this holiday being more fun with a significant other but there is no reason to really call it a sucky holiday...but I guess that is my opinion.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Pre-Valentine's Day Stuff
Ahhhh! So my boyfriend surprised me at work with roses for Valentine's Day yesterday (yes I realize Valentine's Day is on Monday) and boy was I flustered. He asked me if I was on a call and I was so flustered I almost thought I was still on one...ha ha! Thankfully I had just gotten done with the call :)
I realize they are just roses to people, but the thought, the surprise element, the guy...that's what makes it mean so much more than "just roses". I really like them a lot, and I will have to clean my desk and figure out where they should go on Monday.
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Yesterday was awesome at work because after he had just dropped off the flowers we had a power outtage...twice, the first one lasted a minute and the power tried to go back on and then the second time it was just gone. My boyfriend texted me that they were having power outtages all over Fargo so it wasn't just us.
My friends and I waited around and talked to one another until they finally let us all go at 3pm. I was so excited because that was three hours I didn't have to work! I just went home and took a nap and waited till the boyfriend got up from his nap.
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I went over to his apartment at 6 and brought his present with so that on Monday I wouldn't have to lug it around before dinner or have it sit in my car.
He was mentioning to me that his roommate and his roommate's friend wanted us to all play cribbage...on his blah traveling cribbage board. I thought to myself..."what an opportune moment to give him his gift", and so I told him that he just had to open it then. I really wanted us to all play on his NEW cribbage board.
So he opened it, and loved it. He had guessed it right all along that little stinker! It was great to see how much he loved it and everyone was just impressed with the gift so that was an added bonus.
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Ah, so the boyfriend and I had a great night on our own yesterday. Don't get me wrong I love hanging out with our/his friends but sometimes it is just nice to have some alone time.
We picked up food from Bdubs and rented a movie. Just a nice, simple night with my man. Ended up falling asleep during the movie but it was still fun. We ended the night with cribbage and I won (for once, ha) and then headed off to bed.
A great, great, Saturday!
Friday, February 11, 2011
T.G.I.F.
And it is FRIDAY!!!!!! Today has been a busy morning, had a one-on-one, and now answering phone calls. Boy is it busy...right now we are migrating students/staff/faculty over to two separate email systems, and also getting rid of a User ID that people have become so familiar with on Campus Connection. We now also have late fees for borrowing our equipment and I am happy for that. I feel like we are making a lot of changes all at once that makes it feel like I'm way over my head, but I do realize (or hope) that in a year things will finally fall into place, and the madness we are experiencing now will fade.
Oh the joys of working in the I.T. world! As much as I am experiencing stress and lack of patience or faith, I still do love this job. It is just tough working as much as I do and trying to have a life at the same time.
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Anyway, I am excited for the weekend as always...I will be more excited after work tomorrow because than I can officially declare it the weekend for me. As always I probably look forward to the weekend because that is the time where I don't to think about either one of my jobs, I don't have to supervise anyone, etc. On the parts I call my weekend I just get to hang out with my boyfriend, our friends, and not be stressed!
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I wish I had more time to blog or more topics to blog about but I guess since I'm finally recovering from being sick and not sleeping or being sick all the time I should be able to blog more. Anyway, off to answer more phone calls!
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"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence."
George Washington
Oh the joys of working in the I.T. world! As much as I am experiencing stress and lack of patience or faith, I still do love this job. It is just tough working as much as I do and trying to have a life at the same time.
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Anyway, I am excited for the weekend as always...I will be more excited after work tomorrow because than I can officially declare it the weekend for me. As always I probably look forward to the weekend because that is the time where I don't to think about either one of my jobs, I don't have to supervise anyone, etc. On the parts I call my weekend I just get to hang out with my boyfriend, our friends, and not be stressed!
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I wish I had more time to blog or more topics to blog about but I guess since I'm finally recovering from being sick and not sleeping or being sick all the time I should be able to blog more. Anyway, off to answer more phone calls!
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"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence."
George Washington
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Busy Schedule/Etc
If you click on this image, you could really see the extent of my weekly schedule. Can you believe I do this on a weekly basis?
I am starting to wear out and lose my faith and patience (in certain areas) because I am so overworked. I am holding strong onto both of those because that is what I need to do in order to do well at both of my jobs.
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So I've been sick for the past couple of days and boy oh boy has it been a riot. The whole soup/Powerade/tea/saltine crackers diet has not been a pleasant one for Monday-today. Like I've mentioned on Facebook I have already lost 6 pounds throughout this mess...not a horrible thing, but not really a good thing for my body. My body feels like it has no energy and all it wants to do is sleep, see some people, and then go back to sleep. What an exciting schedule!
Anyway, yesterday my plates came in and that made me so happy. I even got my guy to help me put them on so my car finally looked official. The only sad thing was that it no longer looked like a new car. The guy's gift came yesterday too!!!! I am such a sap, I was so excited that I opened the package and made sure everything was there that should be there and then wrapped it up. I made sure to wrap it up in non-Valentine's Day colors just because I am not too much into the colors I guess...in respects for the guy part. For me? You can wrap it in whatever and I'll open it...ha!
I am pretty excited about Valentine's Day...but only because I finally get to get the wrapped gift off of my table and give it to a well-deserving, amazing guy I know. I just wish (like I was telling him yesterday) that he could just open it right now, but I should probably be good and wait for the day that the gift was meant for.
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"I've looked around enough to know, that you're the one I want to go through time with."
Jim Croce
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Why I Like Valentine's Day
Yes, Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark-made Holiday" and can make those who don't have a significant other often feel depressed or bad (not that I'm generalizing here).
I, myself, am not a big person on Valentine's Day but there are a few reasons to why I like it.
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I like it because I get to surprise my boyfriend with a gift I carefully picked out:
He gets to anticipate what I'm getting him, and I get to do all the searching for the "right" gift. The gift I picked out for him had to come all the way from Minneapolis because I couldn't find the thing I wanted to get him here. I guess I like all the preparation it takes to getting him the gift because it's something for HIM.
The card:
The card shopping...as much as I am supporting "Hallmark-made Holiday"...so what? I like trying to find the card with the right words for the guy I care about so much. This time it took me awhile because Valentine's Day is all about love, and well my guy and I haven't reached that stage yet...and well some of the options for your "special someone" are either cheesy, girly, or just down right blah!
I oddly found the card I wanted for him in the "Love" section but it took forever to search for one that actually didn't say love. Needless to say I am excited to give him this card as cheesy as that sounds.
Spending "alone" time with him:
We in our busy weeks don't get to spend a lot of "alone" time with each other. We sure see a lot of each other but during the times we could be alone we usually spend it with other people which for the most part I'm OK with but sometimes I get selfish and just want to spend time with him.
I am thoroughly excited for Monday in the fact that it will just be us. It will just be nice to have no distractions which were mainly other friends, and to just be in the moment.
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As much as I would love to say I'm the girl that doesn't really care about Valentine's Day, I do, because I like it because I get to show him how much he means to me even if that includes a gift and a card. So what if I am supporting this holiday? I like this holiday because I am a sap and I doing things for him.
I, myself, am not a big person on Valentine's Day but there are a few reasons to why I like it.
---
I like it because I get to surprise my boyfriend with a gift I carefully picked out:
He gets to anticipate what I'm getting him, and I get to do all the searching for the "right" gift. The gift I picked out for him had to come all the way from Minneapolis because I couldn't find the thing I wanted to get him here. I guess I like all the preparation it takes to getting him the gift because it's something for HIM.
The card:
The card shopping...as much as I am supporting "Hallmark-made Holiday"...so what? I like trying to find the card with the right words for the guy I care about so much. This time it took me awhile because Valentine's Day is all about love, and well my guy and I haven't reached that stage yet...and well some of the options for your "special someone" are either cheesy, girly, or just down right blah!
I oddly found the card I wanted for him in the "Love" section but it took forever to search for one that actually didn't say love. Needless to say I am excited to give him this card as cheesy as that sounds.
Spending "alone" time with him:
We in our busy weeks don't get to spend a lot of "alone" time with each other. We sure see a lot of each other but during the times we could be alone we usually spend it with other people which for the most part I'm OK with but sometimes I get selfish and just want to spend time with him.
I am thoroughly excited for Monday in the fact that it will just be us. It will just be nice to have no distractions which were mainly other friends, and to just be in the moment.
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As much as I would love to say I'm the girl that doesn't really care about Valentine's Day, I do, because I like it because I get to show him how much he means to me even if that includes a gift and a card. So what if I am supporting this holiday? I like this holiday because I am a sap and I doing things for him.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Day Thirty: A Photo You Find Beautiful
This one is kind of a tough one to pick a picture for and I think this is a crummy way to end the 30 Day Challenge.
I do find the picture I posted beautiful though, but in general I find nature to be beautiful. The picture above is from where the country I was born, the Philippines. The location is Tubbataha Reef Marine Park, Philippines.
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Reflection on the 30 Day Challenge:
It has been quite the journey to start and complete this challenge. I initially took on this challenge just so I could start blogging again, and I thought it would also help get me blogging on a daily basis or at least more consistently. I think this challenge blew those expectations out of the water. I am hoping that without this challenge I will still blog consistently but I think that won't be a problem. Blogging has helped me release some of my anxieties and "write" them down and be more rational about my thoughts...especially when they affect other people. I think it also has given an insight to the people closest to me (along with just other/random people) about what is really going on in my head.
I used to journal all the time when I was growing up to help. I think I went through 3-5 journals and back then that was my way of releasing anxieties as well.
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I really appreciate everyone reading my blog. I didn't really think anyone would want to read what I have to say just because when I blog I do not "write" to an audience, I just "write" down what's on my mind or the what the challenge is for that day. It still surprises me to how many actually read this on a daily basis but that's great, I hope you like what you're reading.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Why Hello There!
This day has just been a generally awesome day. I'm not sure what it is and it may be due to the high intake of tea I've had today but whatever the reason is, I'm just glad to be happy...I deserve it.
I think part of the happiness comes from the fact that the weather is amazing outside. It was so wonderful and yet so sad to see that it's not going to stay around.
It is funny to hear people from Texas talk about how bad they were snowed in when in reality we are only talking about 2 inches. Heh, they should come visit FARGO! Oh well, good ol' Texans :)
Day Twenty-Eight: A Photo Of Something/Somebody That Made Your Day
Thank you Friday for being pay day :) I really needed it after taking out a couple thousand for my car. So here's to being paid and money!
Here's to co-workers! They always brighten my day especially when I work a 12 hour day. They are fun to be around and good company to talk to.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day Twenty-Seven: A Photo Of Something You Are looking Forward To
I am looking forward to summer. I am looking forward to walks and runs in the park. Summer is just nice because I get to spend more time outdoors and enjoy the sun (whenever it comes out, this is Fargo..you know, ha!).
The unfortunate thing is that I will probably still be working 50-60 hour weeks so I still won't see the outside very much since the majority of my work day is from 8a-10, 11-8pm, blah! At least I will see it somewhat on the weekends and on my "day" off during the week after 5:30pm :)
I am excited for summer, but I think I'm just excited for the future in general. I'm really happy where I'm at in life right now and I can just see it getting better from here. The future doesn't look all that scary and even though I don't know what's to come, I feel like I don't have so much on my plate anymore.
Last summer was rough, I was working overnights, in a tough roommate situation, and just not happy. I was working on working through my depression and anxiety, along with making some serious changes to my life. I started working out a lot, lost a lot of weight (we all know this), did some job searching, and figured out what I wanted to do with the fall.
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I just can't believe it's already February already. Where has the time gone? I can't believe how much has changed since last summer. I feel like I'm a completely different person which is amazing. I remember how sad I was feeling, and how nervous I was for everything!!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day Twenty-Six: A Photo Of Your Favorite Subject In School
Oh yeah, I was the girl that loved, I mean loved P.E. class.
And I was also the girl that was really good at math and enjoyed calculus.
Then, I was also that girl that had her nose stuffed in books because she loved reading too. English and writing papers, I liked a whole lot too.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
"The Most Important Thing: Prayer"
This is part five on the "Living Larger Than Ourselves" of his sermon series.
This message I really enjoyed, and it probably is one of my favorite messages I have heard from Pastor Kev.
The First Church of Jerusalem's Answer to Overwhelming Challenges: PRAY
Praying Principles
1. Pray for change.
"The pain of the world will sear and break our hearts because we can no longer keep them closed. We've seen too much now. To some degree or other, we have surrendered into service and are willing to pay the price of compassion.
But with it comes the joy of a single, caring act. With it comes the honor of participating in a generous process in which one rises each day and does what one can. With it comes the simple, singular grace of being an instrument of Love, in whatever form, to whatever end."
-Ram Dass
2. Pray repeatedly.
I can't tell you how many times I probably have prayed in my life, but it's a LOT.
"Pray repeatedly" and "Pray expectantly" kind of run together, so read below.
3. Pray expectantly.
Pastor Kev had mentioned that even though God may not change the circumstance of a situation, he may change you--I find that very true. There have been some circumstances in my life that he did not change, but it definitely changed me as a person. In some respects I would say it changed me for the better, but I wished back then that there could have been some change in the circumstances I was placed in when I was younger.
Those circumstances have changed me in many ways but in for the better I would have to say it has made me stronger, and a better person. It has made me realize that there are people who do really bad things in this world but not everyone is like that. I have had to realize that what happened back then was not my fault but at the fault of another.
I was angry at God when I was younger because I incessantly prayed for Him to help me I now realize I do not need a reason to be angry at God. I do in fact have a reason to be angry at that person that changed my life forever when I was young. Sometimes I wonder what I did to have someone do that? I know the answer is nothing but why me? He was supposed to love me and protect me, why would he do that?
Anyway, I'm still going through that stuff, so if you would like, just pray for me. Pray for peace and forgiveness. I want to find it in my heart to forgive him (though in my selfishness I sometimes feel like he doesn't deserve to be forgiven) and to be able to just move on, and not let him or those memories control my life.
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I really like this acronym:
Pray Until Something Happens = P.U.S.H.
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Prayer has always been a source a comfort until all of that happened in my life, but regardless I still prayed. I got tired of praying at one point because I never saw any change. He did not change the circumstances like I had mentioned before but I know I have to be thankful for Him that I got through all of it, and look where I'm at today. I am happy, have an amazing life, with amazing people, and I'm still standing strong.
Thanks not only to Him, but to everyone who has stuck around and helped through the hardest times and even through this period of my life: You guys are dear to my heart and I am not sure where I would be without any of you.
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"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
-Melody Beattie
This message I really enjoyed, and it probably is one of my favorite messages I have heard from Pastor Kev.
The First Church of Jerusalem's Answer to Overwhelming Challenges: PRAY
Praying Principles
1. Pray for change.
"The pain of the world will sear and break our hearts because we can no longer keep them closed. We've seen too much now. To some degree or other, we have surrendered into service and are willing to pay the price of compassion.
But with it comes the joy of a single, caring act. With it comes the honor of participating in a generous process in which one rises each day and does what one can. With it comes the simple, singular grace of being an instrument of Love, in whatever form, to whatever end."
-Ram Dass
2. Pray repeatedly.
I can't tell you how many times I probably have prayed in my life, but it's a LOT.
"Pray repeatedly" and "Pray expectantly" kind of run together, so read below.
3. Pray expectantly.
Pastor Kev had mentioned that even though God may not change the circumstance of a situation, he may change you--I find that very true. There have been some circumstances in my life that he did not change, but it definitely changed me as a person. In some respects I would say it changed me for the better, but I wished back then that there could have been some change in the circumstances I was placed in when I was younger.
Those circumstances have changed me in many ways but in for the better I would have to say it has made me stronger, and a better person. It has made me realize that there are people who do really bad things in this world but not everyone is like that. I have had to realize that what happened back then was not my fault but at the fault of another.
I was angry at God when I was younger because I incessantly prayed for Him to help me I now realize I do not need a reason to be angry at God. I do in fact have a reason to be angry at that person that changed my life forever when I was young. Sometimes I wonder what I did to have someone do that? I know the answer is nothing but why me? He was supposed to love me and protect me, why would he do that?
Anyway, I'm still going through that stuff, so if you would like, just pray for me. Pray for peace and forgiveness. I want to find it in my heart to forgive him (though in my selfishness I sometimes feel like he doesn't deserve to be forgiven) and to be able to just move on, and not let him or those memories control my life.
---
I really like this acronym:
Pray Until Something Happens = P.U.S.H.
---
Prayer has always been a source a comfort until all of that happened in my life, but regardless I still prayed. I got tired of praying at one point because I never saw any change. He did not change the circumstances like I had mentioned before but I know I have to be thankful for Him that I got through all of it, and look where I'm at today. I am happy, have an amazing life, with amazing people, and I'm still standing strong.
Thanks not only to Him, but to everyone who has stuck around and helped through the hardest times and even through this period of my life: You guys are dear to my heart and I am not sure where I would be without any of you.
---
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
-Melody Beattie
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I AM Feeling: Great!
Things are finally headed in the right direction for me in terms of my happiness.
I think the biggest thing that happened for me this year or most recently is that I finally bought a car all on my own :) I had borrowing a car from a friend's brother for the past couple of months and now I have my own car! Last week it felt so unreal and exhilarating to be driving my very own car and the fact that I would never have to borrow someone else's car or ask for a ride because of not having a car.
I have not had a car since 2006 and how did I live without one for so long? Well I had always lived on campus and my one job at that time was on campus so really there was no need. Whenever I needed groceries or had to do an errand I had plenty of friends that were doing errands that I could get a ride from. The need for a car increased this summer when I started doing my own things like summer rec soccer, getting another job that wasn't on campus, and just wanting to be independent again. The need really increased this fall because the person that I was getting a ride to my new full-time job was getting tired of bringing me to work (which is clearly understandable) and so I had to really figure out how to get enough money in time to buy a vehicle by December-February.
So, I DID IT! I have my own car, paying for my first loan, car insurance, etc. It feels good, except I am back to being very poor until I can build up my funds again.
ALSO I had mentioned that my car had issues and it is currently getting fixed and I am very excited to get it back on Tuesday. There was an issue with the power steering pump/leak and so that is what is taking the longest. I now have a Toyota Camry that is baby blue and is ugly as could be (in my opinion) but I am glad to have a loaner until the my car is back! It sucks to have to already get work doen on the car with my first car but at least the dealer is taking care of the expenses..THANK GOD.
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The relationship world is going great. As corny as this may sound, as of tomorrow, we have been dating for 1 month and that makes me very happy. I feel like we've been dating a lot longer but maybe that's because we started really getting to know each other back in mid-ish November (Thanksgiving to be exact ha ha ha!). Like I've mentioned several times before, I am very happy with him and we are doing so well. I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. I think that is due to the fact that I have really grown up and I know what I want, and I know how to control my anxieties or worries. I have learned to talk things through instead of holding them in, and with him...he makes me want to be better, to do better. He. Is. Great.
"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. "
-Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
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There are still a lot of things that are going on in my head but who doesn't have that going on? I am just trying to not let them get to me.
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Church is really helping me, I feel like I am slowly making my way back to God (not that I really left him, moreorless pushed Him aside).
I read my bible often, just trying to make sense of the questions I have for Him and for myself. The church that I've been going to has really made me feel so welcomed, so wanted, and I really like Pastor Kev and his wife. It was awesome to go out to lunch with the both of them and my friend Angie. Instead of church feeling like a place of gossip, money, and more money, church feels homey, welcoming, loving, and helpful. I haven't felt that in years, and it is good to be getting back in the rhythm of church, and most importantly God.
I think the biggest thing that happened for me this year or most recently is that I finally bought a car all on my own :) I had borrowing a car from a friend's brother for the past couple of months and now I have my own car! Last week it felt so unreal and exhilarating to be driving my very own car and the fact that I would never have to borrow someone else's car or ask for a ride because of not having a car.
I have not had a car since 2006 and how did I live without one for so long? Well I had always lived on campus and my one job at that time was on campus so really there was no need. Whenever I needed groceries or had to do an errand I had plenty of friends that were doing errands that I could get a ride from. The need for a car increased this summer when I started doing my own things like summer rec soccer, getting another job that wasn't on campus, and just wanting to be independent again. The need really increased this fall because the person that I was getting a ride to my new full-time job was getting tired of bringing me to work (which is clearly understandable) and so I had to really figure out how to get enough money in time to buy a vehicle by December-February.
So, I DID IT! I have my own car, paying for my first loan, car insurance, etc. It feels good, except I am back to being very poor until I can build up my funds again.
ALSO I had mentioned that my car had issues and it is currently getting fixed and I am very excited to get it back on Tuesday. There was an issue with the power steering pump/leak and so that is what is taking the longest. I now have a Toyota Camry that is baby blue and is ugly as could be (in my opinion) but I am glad to have a loaner until the my car is back! It sucks to have to already get work doen on the car with my first car but at least the dealer is taking care of the expenses..THANK GOD.
---
The relationship world is going great. As corny as this may sound, as of tomorrow, we have been dating for 1 month and that makes me very happy. I feel like we've been dating a lot longer but maybe that's because we started really getting to know each other back in mid-ish November (Thanksgiving to be exact ha ha ha!). Like I've mentioned several times before, I am very happy with him and we are doing so well. I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. I think that is due to the fact that I have really grown up and I know what I want, and I know how to control my anxieties or worries. I have learned to talk things through instead of holding them in, and with him...he makes me want to be better, to do better. He. Is. Great.
"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. "
-Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
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There are still a lot of things that are going on in my head but who doesn't have that going on? I am just trying to not let them get to me.
---
Church is really helping me, I feel like I am slowly making my way back to God (not that I really left him, moreorless pushed Him aside).
I read my bible often, just trying to make sense of the questions I have for Him and for myself. The church that I've been going to has really made me feel so welcomed, so wanted, and I really like Pastor Kev and his wife. It was awesome to go out to lunch with the both of them and my friend Angie. Instead of church feeling like a place of gossip, money, and more money, church feels homey, welcoming, loving, and helpful. I haven't felt that in years, and it is good to be getting back in the rhythm of church, and most importantly God.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Day Twenty-Two: A Photo That You Associate A Good Memory With
Leaderquest 2007. This was an amazing experience to go through and it made the 2nd semester of my freshman year one of the best semesters I've had at NDSU. The best part of that experience is that these are friends I still keep in touch from time to time and I'm still friends with.
Leaderquest forever bonds all of us, so when we lose touch and we run into each other, it's like we pick up from where we left off.
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"Even though we've changed and we're still finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're still not all friends."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Just A Little Sad
I wish I could explain on here exactly what is going on with my life, but there is one that is fortunate (or maybe not, ha!) to know all.
Anyway, something happened yesterday and it has made today a little harder especially since I received a missed call and a horrible email from that person. I'm sure this blog doesn't make any sense at all but this is just my way of trying to get through it. I cried. I haven't cried in awhile and it felt bad.
I'm not sure what to do, and I didn't sleep the best because I was having flashbacks all night that kept waking me up. Flashbacks are the worse and I hate re-living certain events that I have worked so hard to forget.
Well...I'll get through it, and life will surely move on.
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I am getting my car fixed tomorrow and I am so excited! I will have a rental car for a little bit but it is so worth it to get everything taken care off. Boy is that a relief! It's around 300-400 dollars worth of work thanks to my dealer finding other places to get the work done.
It certainly made me feel like an idiot for buying a car with problems, but it's getting taken care of so I feel a bit better. I just want my car because I really love that car already.
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"Sorrow happens, hardship happens, the hell with it, who never knew the price of happiness, will not be happy."
Anyway, something happened yesterday and it has made today a little harder especially since I received a missed call and a horrible email from that person. I'm sure this blog doesn't make any sense at all but this is just my way of trying to get through it. I cried. I haven't cried in awhile and it felt bad.
I'm not sure what to do, and I didn't sleep the best because I was having flashbacks all night that kept waking me up. Flashbacks are the worse and I hate re-living certain events that I have worked so hard to forget.
Well...I'll get through it, and life will surely move on.
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I am getting my car fixed tomorrow and I am so excited! I will have a rental car for a little bit but it is so worth it to get everything taken care off. Boy is that a relief! It's around 300-400 dollars worth of work thanks to my dealer finding other places to get the work done.
It certainly made me feel like an idiot for buying a car with problems, but it's getting taken care of so I feel a bit better. I just want my car because I really love that car already.
---
"Sorrow happens, hardship happens, the hell with it, who never knew the price of happiness, will not be happy."
Day Twenty-One: A Photo Of Somebody You Find Attractive
Let's call him exhibit A. A lot of people will probably know who this guy is but for those who don't? Ha, HE will remain a mystery :)
"And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you..."
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Completely Unwritten
You're completely unwritten,
your story's just begun,
you've now started college
that's one battle you've won.
You walk in on move in day,
with nerves slowly unraveling,
your brain and your muscles,
are tired from traveling.
You slowly unpack,
the things that remind you of home,
you start getting that feeling,
that you're now all alone.
Your pages are refreshed,
from the pages written before,
your life has now started again,
you're now looking for more.
First time of meeting your roommate,
you see that you guys don't get along,
you try to ignore that aching sense,
by trying to be brave and strong.
More lessons have been added to,
the book that's called your destiny,
your goals and your dreams
don't come in one but aplenty.
First friend you meet,
you can tell you'll be great friends.
you're beginning to feel okay,
you start feeling like things are on the mend.
Some pages have gotten crinkled,
from the craziness of your days,
you realize that you can't find your class,
the college campus is a big maze.
You have finally gotten through,
so many obstacles and jumps,
you realize that your road,
is going to have some cracks and bumps.
The pages are starting to fill,
with stories that are about everything,
you see that your new life is going great,
you're now enjoying what it brings.
Your thoughts are now about papers,
not exactly about drama and boys,
you're thinking about the future ahead,
money, and how to get employed.
The book is now becoming your life
something that can be written for awhile,
your pages will get more creative,
have more enthusiasm, bounce and style.
It's up to you how college goes,
you're now on your own,
but you have to remember,
you're definitely not in this alone.
Go live your life vicariously,
your story has just begun,
you've accomplished your first few days,
that's one battle you've won.
09/13/06
I was just digging through my poems that I found in couple of notes and I happen to find this one. I took this poem from an a poem that I wrote about in high school for a project and changed it so it was fitting for college. The original was about kindergartners starting their life because my project was from mentoring/tutoring a class for a semester.
I don't know, I like these poems but I'm really not sure what to think of it, whether they seem juvenile or if they are actually alright? Maybe that is because I am so critical of my work.
your story's just begun,
you've now started college
that's one battle you've won.
You walk in on move in day,
with nerves slowly unraveling,
your brain and your muscles,
are tired from traveling.
You slowly unpack,
the things that remind you of home,
you start getting that feeling,
that you're now all alone.
Your pages are refreshed,
from the pages written before,
your life has now started again,
you're now looking for more.
First time of meeting your roommate,
you see that you guys don't get along,
you try to ignore that aching sense,
by trying to be brave and strong.
More lessons have been added to,
the book that's called your destiny,
your goals and your dreams
don't come in one but aplenty.
First friend you meet,
you can tell you'll be great friends.
you're beginning to feel okay,
you start feeling like things are on the mend.
Some pages have gotten crinkled,
from the craziness of your days,
you realize that you can't find your class,
the college campus is a big maze.
You have finally gotten through,
so many obstacles and jumps,
you realize that your road,
is going to have some cracks and bumps.
The pages are starting to fill,
with stories that are about everything,
you see that your new life is going great,
you're now enjoying what it brings.
Your thoughts are now about papers,
not exactly about drama and boys,
you're thinking about the future ahead,
money, and how to get employed.
The book is now becoming your life
something that can be written for awhile,
your pages will get more creative,
have more enthusiasm, bounce and style.
It's up to you how college goes,
you're now on your own,
but you have to remember,
you're definitely not in this alone.
Go live your life vicariously,
your story has just begun,
you've accomplished your first few days,
that's one battle you've won.
09/13/06
I was just digging through my poems that I found in couple of notes and I happen to find this one. I took this poem from an a poem that I wrote about in high school for a project and changed it so it was fitting for college. The original was about kindergartners starting their life because my project was from mentoring/tutoring a class for a semester.
I don't know, I like these poems but I'm really not sure what to think of it, whether they seem juvenile or if they are actually alright? Maybe that is because I am so critical of my work.
Runner Girl
There's this girl who likes to run,
but she doesn't like to do track,
something is different about her,
may be that she doesn't "run" like that.
Instead she runs from life,
and anything that could hurt her,
she doesn't care about anyone else,
nothing just seems to matter.
Her run isn't like a race,
there's no finish line,
there's no one running after her,
and by that she doesn't mind.
Distance is what this girl wants,
to her it might seem like the perfect solution,
but she can't run from life,
not when it's in full blown motion.
She's hiding from the people who love her,
but that has no meaning,
just knowing that she's hurting people,
just means she's "winning".
Her whole goal is to get away,
to run as fast as she can,
running to a place where no one knows her,
where people won't demand.
The lies and ongoing fights,
supplies her endless need to run,
she tells no one about her anguishes,
now look who she's become.
She's thought of thoughts,
that could end her pain right away,
but she couldn't do that,
she's merely just too afraid.
There once was a time,
when her pace was so much slower,
she let people in her life,
but now no one really knows her.
That time has now passed by,
and she's running faster,
She really needs some control,
because things are headed for a disaster.
Every now and then,
she takes a break from running,
she lets loose and has some fun,
maybe she's slowly learning.
But learning is not what she's doing,
instead she puts up a mask,
she can hide her scars and emotions,
so no one will ask.
Her mask is starting to tear,
and the people are starting to see;
she's not the person they thought she was,
she's not that person people perceived.
She doesn't want anyone to help her,
even when she trips or falls,
the bruises and the cuts may bleed,
but she needs no help at all.
This girl has nothing to do but run,
and running is what she's best at,
she's one of the best runners,
especially when she "runs" like that.
Wow, I wrote that awhile ago, and for some reason I don't have the original written date but it was before 2006.
I'm not sure how much I like the poem but it's decent for my writing back then.
but she doesn't like to do track,
something is different about her,
may be that she doesn't "run" like that.
Instead she runs from life,
and anything that could hurt her,
she doesn't care about anyone else,
nothing just seems to matter.
Her run isn't like a race,
there's no finish line,
there's no one running after her,
and by that she doesn't mind.
Distance is what this girl wants,
to her it might seem like the perfect solution,
but she can't run from life,
not when it's in full blown motion.
She's hiding from the people who love her,
but that has no meaning,
just knowing that she's hurting people,
just means she's "winning".
Her whole goal is to get away,
to run as fast as she can,
running to a place where no one knows her,
where people won't demand.
The lies and ongoing fights,
supplies her endless need to run,
she tells no one about her anguishes,
now look who she's become.
She's thought of thoughts,
that could end her pain right away,
but she couldn't do that,
she's merely just too afraid.
There once was a time,
when her pace was so much slower,
she let people in her life,
but now no one really knows her.
That time has now passed by,
and she's running faster,
She really needs some control,
because things are headed for a disaster.
Every now and then,
she takes a break from running,
she lets loose and has some fun,
maybe she's slowly learning.
But learning is not what she's doing,
instead she puts up a mask,
she can hide her scars and emotions,
so no one will ask.
Her mask is starting to tear,
and the people are starting to see;
she's not the person they thought she was,
she's not that person people perceived.
She doesn't want anyone to help her,
even when she trips or falls,
the bruises and the cuts may bleed,
but she needs no help at all.
This girl has nothing to do but run,
and running is what she's best at,
she's one of the best runners,
especially when she "runs" like that.
Wow, I wrote that awhile ago, and for some reason I don't have the original written date but it was before 2006.
I'm not sure how much I like the poem but it's decent for my writing back then.
Day Twenty: A Photo Of Something You Ate Today
Nom nom nom, these are really delicious and a good snacking food!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Ever So Busy
I am exhausted. I worked from 7:30-10am, 11-8pm, worked out from 8:20-9pm, and now waiting for my two loads of laundry to be done just so I can go to bed so I can go to work at 8am...
The only exciting thing is that tomorrow I get my car all looked at (just to make sure everything is dandy) and I get to take it where I want to take it instead of that stupid car care center place that was down right rude over the phone. Tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day being shuttled to where I need to be while my car is checked out. I haven't quite decided if I want to work, or go workout or something of that sort. I do have my friend's car as well, so that makes it convenient if I want to go to the Y or run errands or something. I will probably end up at the Y but then probably head into work because if I don't work I often feel unproductive and lazy..plus it is money.
---
So the topic of today is BUSY. I've mentioned over and over again how busy I am with working two jobs (which amount to a total of 60 hours per week), working out 5-7 days a week, hanging out with friends, volunteering, playing soccer, and oh yeah having a boyfriend/being in a relationship. How the heck am I doing this and keeping sane? I am really not sure to be honest with you but the having a boyfriend/being in a relationship part is getting affected I would say the most. I realize how busy I am, but I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to work with someone else's schedule/spontaneous plan making/life. This seems to be the on-going frustrating topic recently between the guy and I.
I wish it wasn't so frustrating, and I 100% realize that this conversation should be more in person than anything else because I think things get taken the wrong way. We talked about it today and tonight, and I don't feel like we've made too much progress and we end up just getting frustrated rather than go in a positive direction. I wouldn't really call this arguing but it's not the easiest thing to figure out or talk about. I also realize that I have to be happy with the time that I spend with him, rather than continuously focus on the fact that we honestly don't see each other too much except for weekends..and to me sometimes can seem rough. Please make note that I do not need to see him everyday nor do I want to see him everyday.
Our schedules are so hectic but mainly because he is more spontaneous in plans than I am. My week is pretty structured and scheduled thus it lacks spontaneity. I know what I'm doing from day to day for the most part and adjust accordingly mainly on the weekends to when I see him. He, on the other hand, has a schedule as well, but has all these random plans of hanging out with his friends...and that is perfectly fine with me, it just all happens to clash with one another and that is where we have to figure out how to compromise or somehow make things work. Then we have to figure out one-on-one time versus hanging out with friends or his roommate. I don't know, it seems like a mess right now but I know we'll get the hang of it. We have only been dating for about a month (this upcoming Sunday) so we've definitely got time. I would just rather hash this out now rather than later.
I do know that we've got figured out that we want to spend time together, we like spending time together, and this is going to take some adjusting.
---
Anyway, my day went alright, it was pretty busy and by the afternoon I was getting pretty tired and worn out from taking all these calls. The only thing that was going my way was my stats were improving "awesome-ly" and I am very much on my way to cross training! I also got a 100% from QA so that also made my day too because I always get stuck with 94%...but this is me just talking work jargon and for those who don't know about QA's and the scores, I do not care to explain at this point, so I'm going to move on ha!
---
OMG I am so freaking tired. GAH! This laundry needs to be done now...but no, I'm guessing abut an hour to go...ugh. Then it's definitely bed time so I can just stop muddling about the guy, and the blah topic, and hopefully we can just hash it all out at some point and move away from it because I'm getting a little too frustrated with it in that we have exhausted this topic in some ways. I just feel like we're getting stuck therefore we should actually probably talk about this in person.
I get pretty stuck on the topic until we can get it figured out or find a way to make it so we're not leaving in a huff or feeling "blah" by the end of it. I know we'll be fine, it worries me in that this is probably the biggest thing we have to adjust to with one another (though I am sure we will find plenty of other things we will have to hash out).
---
"History balances the frustration of 'how far we have to go' with the satisfaction of 'how far we have come.' It teaches us tolerance for the human shortcomings and imperfections which are not uniquely of our generation, but of all time."
-Lewis F. Powell Jr.
The only exciting thing is that tomorrow I get my car all looked at (just to make sure everything is dandy) and I get to take it where I want to take it instead of that stupid car care center place that was down right rude over the phone. Tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day being shuttled to where I need to be while my car is checked out. I haven't quite decided if I want to work, or go workout or something of that sort. I do have my friend's car as well, so that makes it convenient if I want to go to the Y or run errands or something. I will probably end up at the Y but then probably head into work because if I don't work I often feel unproductive and lazy..plus it is money.
---
So the topic of today is BUSY. I've mentioned over and over again how busy I am with working two jobs (which amount to a total of 60 hours per week), working out 5-7 days a week, hanging out with friends, volunteering, playing soccer, and oh yeah having a boyfriend/being in a relationship. How the heck am I doing this and keeping sane? I am really not sure to be honest with you but the having a boyfriend/being in a relationship part is getting affected I would say the most. I realize how busy I am, but I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to work with someone else's schedule/spontaneous plan making/life. This seems to be the on-going frustrating topic recently between the guy and I.
I wish it wasn't so frustrating, and I 100% realize that this conversation should be more in person than anything else because I think things get taken the wrong way. We talked about it today and tonight, and I don't feel like we've made too much progress and we end up just getting frustrated rather than go in a positive direction. I wouldn't really call this arguing but it's not the easiest thing to figure out or talk about. I also realize that I have to be happy with the time that I spend with him, rather than continuously focus on the fact that we honestly don't see each other too much except for weekends..and to me sometimes can seem rough. Please make note that I do not need to see him everyday nor do I want to see him everyday.
Our schedules are so hectic but mainly because he is more spontaneous in plans than I am. My week is pretty structured and scheduled thus it lacks spontaneity. I know what I'm doing from day to day for the most part and adjust accordingly mainly on the weekends to when I see him. He, on the other hand, has a schedule as well, but has all these random plans of hanging out with his friends...and that is perfectly fine with me, it just all happens to clash with one another and that is where we have to figure out how to compromise or somehow make things work. Then we have to figure out one-on-one time versus hanging out with friends or his roommate. I don't know, it seems like a mess right now but I know we'll get the hang of it. We have only been dating for about a month (this upcoming Sunday) so we've definitely got time. I would just rather hash this out now rather than later.
I do know that we've got figured out that we want to spend time together, we like spending time together, and this is going to take some adjusting.
---
Anyway, my day went alright, it was pretty busy and by the afternoon I was getting pretty tired and worn out from taking all these calls. The only thing that was going my way was my stats were improving "awesome-ly" and I am very much on my way to cross training! I also got a 100% from QA so that also made my day too because I always get stuck with 94%...but this is me just talking work jargon and for those who don't know about QA's and the scores, I do not care to explain at this point, so I'm going to move on ha!
---
OMG I am so freaking tired. GAH! This laundry needs to be done now...but no, I'm guessing abut an hour to go...ugh. Then it's definitely bed time so I can just stop muddling about the guy, and the blah topic, and hopefully we can just hash it all out at some point and move away from it because I'm getting a little too frustrated with it in that we have exhausted this topic in some ways. I just feel like we're getting stuck therefore we should actually probably talk about this in person.
I get pretty stuck on the topic until we can get it figured out or find a way to make it so we're not leaving in a huff or feeling "blah" by the end of it. I know we'll be fine, it worries me in that this is probably the biggest thing we have to adjust to with one another (though I am sure we will find plenty of other things we will have to hash out).
---
"History balances the frustration of 'how far we have to go' with the satisfaction of 'how far we have come.' It teaches us tolerance for the human shortcomings and imperfections which are not uniquely of our generation, but of all time."
-Lewis F. Powell Jr.
Day Nineteen: A Photo Of Last Summer
Click on the picture to see it better.
This photo is from a goodbye party for our co-worker Alekhya who was moving on to better things than the good ol' Help Desk. This was a lot of fun and some of these people have changed my life most definitely. Some of these people have listened to my life problems, they've been there, they've been better than just co-workers. I have to thank some of them from the bottom of my heart because sometimes I'm not sure where I would have been without them.
Thanks guys!
---
These people, and this job is what changed my career path for the better. I once wanted to go to medical school to be an oncologist but when I randomly applied for the Information Technology Help Desk that changed slowly but surely.
It took me being promoted to a supervisor to realize how much I loved the IT field and how much I thrived in this field.
I still wish though I could clone myself so that I could do all these careers in some aspects: be a doctor, be a PCA, be a Help Desk manager/technician/consultant...if only!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Typical Case Of The Mondays
So this is what my car looks like (one day when I'm not busy I will post actual pictures of my car, but this will have to do).
It has an off-white leather/pleather? interior, heated seats, astro start, and it is simply amazing. There are a couple minor fixes that need to be done to it (it is used) but obviously having the dealer pay for the repairs which include: a possibly loose belt (it likes to squeal/whirr ever so slightly while driving), LCD light is going out on clock, and sunglasses holder's left hinge is broken, so there's a gaping hole where the holder cap thing should be.
Yeah it is kind of lame those things have to be fixed but otherwise the car is a keeper and I'm getting the car fixed on Wednesday!
---
So it's been a typical Monday, and ugh it just has not been fun. Lots of same ol' "blah" calls, not to mention I am pretty tired of these long days.
I hear a couple of people have are having the "typical case of the Mondays" or off day and I'm beginning to think I am going to be included in this group. Luckily calls haven't been terrible, just a blah day overall.
I think what makes it the blah day for me is talking to the rude car center center today that was supposed to help me out on fixing the tid-bits of my car. The guy I spoke to was rude, and basically just said "I can't do that" or "that's not what we do" and failed to take my name for the appointment. At least I was able to speak with Luther Family Buick Pontiac and have them schedule an appointment for me to have my car looked at and the dealer I bought it from approved me taking it there, so excellent in that respects, otherwise, I would have to complain. I just need this day to be over.
---
Random thought: I can't believe how many people I hear read this blog. I just think it's different but kind of cool at the same time that people would want to read my words and thoughts. I really just tend to ramble, and just spit out what's on my mind because for the month now that I've been doing this blog thing again, it's been a beautiful thing for me: to be able to just type out how I feel because I don't have time to take a day off to "reset"...I only have random moments to spout out my thoughts. I was talking to my boyfriend about that, and he's lucky he has days that he can do that...I really actually need that but at this time, there just isn't enough time to do that...so really thank GOD for blogging.
It's kind of odd knowing that even though I feel like I'm just writing in a blog, that is a steady audience reading along with what I'm writing.
I hope it helps people or I hope it gets people to realize that I am more than just this girl (pretty, has a boyfriend, eats a lot, hardworking, etc), or maybe it'll inspire someone, but nonetheless thanks for reading.
---
Anyway, I hope everyone who's having an off day has a better rest of their day and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.
So I leave with this quote, because I love quotes and bible verses that fit well with my writing:
“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”
-Maya Angelou
Day Eighteen: A Photo Of Your Town
This is a picture of Plymouth, MN (where I'm from orginally) and this is at Medicine Lake at French Park.
This place isn't too far from the house that I grew up in and good days the lake looks like this, but either way it's still a beautiful place even if I would suggest to swim in it.
This is Fargo, ND (currently where I'm living and have been since 2006) and this is downtown where you can see the cool buildings and the Fargo Theater.
Fargo, it's a place I would now consider my home. I came to Fargo because of college and even though it was strange and a lot different from what Plymouth (suburbia) I liked it. I think I liked because I felt like I finally could be my own person without someone watching me, that I could essentially start over.
I don't want to stay in Fargo forever but right now I am content. I have two jobs, a boyfriend, a lot of friends, and I'm pretty happy in general with this place. I am not too fond of the frigid weather, nor the snow (although in most cases as long as the weather is alright temperature wise, I don't mind it too bad), so I'm thinking I would like to end up somewhere else. I have been looking at North Carolina or Arizona, somewhere other than the mid-western but until then I will be here :).
"What Walls Are We Talking About?"
This is part four on the "Living Larger Than Ourselves" of his sermon series.
Walls of prejudice and discrimination.
For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,” while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
James 2:2-4
God loves the other people on the other side of my wall.
How to Break Down Walls:
1. Get a flatter perspective.
But if you treat some people better than others, you have done wrong, and the Scriptures teach that you have sinned.
James 2:9
2. Get a broader perspective.
And I pray that you and all God's holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ's love--how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.
Ephesians 3:18
3. Get a relational perspective.
We are not careful not to judge people by what they seem to be, though we once judged Christ in that way.
2 Corinthians 5:16
Walls of prejudice and discrimination.
For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,” while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
James 2:2-4
God loves the other people on the other side of my wall.
How to Break Down Walls:
1. Get a flatter perspective.
But if you treat some people better than others, you have done wrong, and the Scriptures teach that you have sinned.
James 2:9
2. Get a broader perspective.
And I pray that you and all God's holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ's love--how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.
Ephesians 3:18
3. Get a relational perspective.
We are not careful not to judge people by what they seem to be, though we once judged Christ in that way.
2 Corinthians 5:16
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Day Seventeen: A Photo From A Trip You'll Never Forget
This was from marching band, and we got to take our trip to Orlando, Florida, and play in the parade in Disney World and it was a lot of fun. Our group among a few others bonded a lot during this trip and that was the best part. I had a falling out with a friend and we got to become best friends again on this trip. There was no drama on this trip whatsoever and it was an all around good time.
This photo brings back a lot of memories and it reminds me of the time that I was soooo hungry for a turkey leg, and by the time we were near a turkey leg stand my friends all had gotten ice cream. I bought a turkey leg and an ice cream treat and it was soo good. My friends were amazed (yet not really surprised) that I was eating both. The picture below is to prove it, and let me tell you, a lot of people actually took a picture of me eating these two things.
Yeah it's a little gross, but eh it kind of explains me in a way because I am always hungry (I know a lot of people who can atest to that). Either way this picture was funny because it brings back a lot of fun memories.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Day Sixteen: A Photo From Your Childhood
Click on the picture to see it better.
This is from my 8th grade "graduation" party at our middle school with my friend Emily, and our awesome guy friends. This was an awkward time for me for sure: braces, glasses, and not really sure on what to wear to look "good" ha ha. I do remember at this party that I was just glad to be moving onto high school in search of a less awkward self...which eventually I did find...in the middle of sophomore year :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
A Blog Post From The Past
I was looking at my old blog and just thought I would show you what I was like in (May 10th, 2008 to be exact) 2008:
So I guess I'm into lyrics about how I feel about my depression or how people feel about my depression, so here's another set but this one is specifically to how the ones that are really close to me or know about depression in general may feel.
"Save You" by Simple Plan
Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish I could tell you something
To take it all away
[Chorus]
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voice
It's drowing in a whisper
It's just skins and bones
There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If I could only find the answer
To help me understand
[Chorus]
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting for you to fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
[Chorus]
The bolded words are the ones that seem to stick out in my mind. I think if the one person takes a look at these lyrics, he will completely understand these lyrics. Actually if you've been reading my post, you'll know the one person I'm talking about...David.
Time and time again I've heard variations of these phrases from him. He wishes he could figure out some way to help me, or say something to make me feel better.
Honestly, the best thing David can do for me or anyone really is just be there.
1) You don't need to say that you don't understand (because in most cases you won't, unless you have depression or experiences with people/friends/family/etc who have had depression) and you don't need to figure out a way to understand my situation.
I hate it when people try to understand my situation or say "I understand" when they don't because they feel like that's the only way they can symphathize or attempt to empathize with me. Like I said above, you can't really understand where I'm coming from unless you lived it or had personal experiences with other people. To understand somewhat what I'm talking about you would have to have personally experienced depression. All in all, the only person that will ever understand how I'm feeling or what I'm dealing with is ME.
2) I just want your support, your love, your smiles, your hugs and for you to let me know that you're there for me.
As much as I hate it sometimes, I do like the hugs and the smiles I receive from people just letting me know that they're there for me and that they love me. It hurts sometimes: to know that you can't be superwoman (or man), that you can't do everything on your own, and that you do need help. I may not need help all the time, but surely asking for it is a tough one for me, and I think for everyone in general. I would love to think that I can tackle my world with all of it's problems, disfunctions, and sticky situations, but I can't, I just can't do it all. I can only do, what I possibly can do at the moment, and leave the rest of it to another time or moment.
2) You don't need to feel sorry for me, constantly watch over me, or change how you act around me (yes I might overreact sometimes, or cry, or get mad but that's usually due to my mood, or how I actually feel but that doesn't mean you need to feel like you should be walking on eggshells around me).
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR ME. You would think that's what depressed people want or think that all we strive for is attention (hence the cutting, the suicidal thoughts, etc). There may be people out there who do those things for attention but that is the last thing I want to cause. If I could, I wouldn't tell anyone because the last thing I want to put on someone is guilt, or sadness, or worry or even begin to feel my pain. I never ever want someone (even a person I strongly dislike) to feel the deep pain I feel inside. David has felt it I know, and it makes me sad to make him upset, or frusterated over something of mine because it's my issue and he shouldn't have to be drained with my problems. I wish sometimes I could just keep my problems to myself so I cause nobody harm but myself but that wouldn't get me anywhere would it?
3) I really want to be treated like every other human being (treated the same as you have treated me before).
I don't think anyone in this world likes to be treated differently from amongst their peers, their co-workers, their classmates (I know people could beg to differ but there are always people who won't fit a category or this category to be specific). I just don't think that my depression should have to change who I am. Yes it definitely effects my behavior and how I may handle specific situations, but it doesn't change me to the point you have to be cautious around me. I am a bubbly, outgoing person, who loves to be around people but has some tough moments/days/weeks but I still am Cheeto or Charito (however you want to call me).
So I guess I'm into lyrics about how I feel about my depression or how people feel about my depression, so here's another set but this one is specifically to how the ones that are really close to me or know about depression in general may feel.
"Save You" by Simple Plan
Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish I could tell you something
To take it all away
[Chorus]
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voice
It's drowing in a whisper
It's just skins and bones
There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If I could only find the answer
To help me understand
[Chorus]
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting for you to fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
[Chorus]
The bolded words are the ones that seem to stick out in my mind. I think if the one person takes a look at these lyrics, he will completely understand these lyrics. Actually if you've been reading my post, you'll know the one person I'm talking about...David.
Time and time again I've heard variations of these phrases from him. He wishes he could figure out some way to help me, or say something to make me feel better.
Honestly, the best thing David can do for me or anyone really is just be there.
1) You don't need to say that you don't understand (because in most cases you won't, unless you have depression or experiences with people/friends/family/etc who have had depression) and you don't need to figure out a way to understand my situation.
I hate it when people try to understand my situation or say "I understand" when they don't because they feel like that's the only way they can symphathize or attempt to empathize with me. Like I said above, you can't really understand where I'm coming from unless you lived it or had personal experiences with other people. To understand somewhat what I'm talking about you would have to have personally experienced depression. All in all, the only person that will ever understand how I'm feeling or what I'm dealing with is ME.
2) I just want your support, your love, your smiles, your hugs and for you to let me know that you're there for me.
As much as I hate it sometimes, I do like the hugs and the smiles I receive from people just letting me know that they're there for me and that they love me. It hurts sometimes: to know that you can't be superwoman (or man), that you can't do everything on your own, and that you do need help. I may not need help all the time, but surely asking for it is a tough one for me, and I think for everyone in general. I would love to think that I can tackle my world with all of it's problems, disfunctions, and sticky situations, but I can't, I just can't do it all. I can only do, what I possibly can do at the moment, and leave the rest of it to another time or moment.
2) You don't need to feel sorry for me, constantly watch over me, or change how you act around me (yes I might overreact sometimes, or cry, or get mad but that's usually due to my mood, or how I actually feel but that doesn't mean you need to feel like you should be walking on eggshells around me).
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR ME. You would think that's what depressed people want or think that all we strive for is attention (hence the cutting, the suicidal thoughts, etc). There may be people out there who do those things for attention but that is the last thing I want to cause. If I could, I wouldn't tell anyone because the last thing I want to put on someone is guilt, or sadness, or worry or even begin to feel my pain. I never ever want someone (even a person I strongly dislike) to feel the deep pain I feel inside. David has felt it I know, and it makes me sad to make him upset, or frusterated over something of mine because it's my issue and he shouldn't have to be drained with my problems. I wish sometimes I could just keep my problems to myself so I cause nobody harm but myself but that wouldn't get me anywhere would it?
3) I really want to be treated like every other human being (treated the same as you have treated me before).
I don't think anyone in this world likes to be treated differently from amongst their peers, their co-workers, their classmates (I know people could beg to differ but there are always people who won't fit a category or this category to be specific). I just don't think that my depression should have to change who I am. Yes it definitely effects my behavior and how I may handle specific situations, but it doesn't change me to the point you have to be cautious around me. I am a bubbly, outgoing person, who loves to be around people but has some tough moments/days/weeks but I still am Cheeto or Charito (however you want to call me).
4) You don't need to tell me things that I already know, or be my counselor, or tell me how I'm feeling or how you think I'm feeling, tell me what I should do, or try to fix me.
Please in no way try to question me like you're my counselor or tell me how I'm feeling. That is about the worst thing you could do. I mean please, just be my friend, but don't be so nosy or think you know how to deal with my situation. Unless you're my psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, or therapist, etc (anything that qualifies a person to deal with my depression) you don't know what you're dealing with. Even those who are qualified may not always understand what I'm talking about. Even I sometimes don't know how to express my feelings, so how someone else besides me even identify with what I'm feeling? I'm sure sometimes you could guess, but to label me with feelings, instead of asking me, isn't the way to go. Please don't keep asking me how I feel if I keep telling you that I honestly don't know. Sometimes I just don't know, and it may take awhile for me to figure it out, or maybe I won't ever know how to identify how I feel.
5) I really want to be like you guys, to be able to cope with my problems, to not cut ever again, to be able to work on my relationships that I've let go, and to feel happy about a day without questioning why this certain day is going so well.
This is probably one of the things I yearn for but I know that this depression of mine is going to stick around for awhile and that it may never completely go away. I haven't cut in 2 weeks and 5 days and I'm hoping to keep that going for a long while if not for the rest of my life. I know it's probably one of the most degrading things for me to do to myself. But number explains itself, I just want to be normal. But is there such a thing as 'normalcy' or are people born to be imperfect?
That's it for now.
Day Fifteen: A Photo Of You And A Family Member
This is a photo of my brother, my grandma, and I from a Christmas in 2006. Since the photo, my grandma has passed away, and my brother...well we don't really talk.
It is always so interesting how much life can change from one day to the next, let alone one year to another. This photo tugs at my heart a little bit because it reminds me of the days when things were going "OK" with my family.
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I have fond memories of my grandma, and how much we got along really well before she got sick. I still remember the time that I was playing with her veins on her hand and I told her that her veins stuck out really bad...boy was she offended! She told me that that's what happens when you get older and you shouldn't make fun of things like that in an older person. I felt really bad, and from that day on I never played with the veins on her hand nor did I even really look at them because I was afraid to get scolded again. I love(d) her so much but when she was diagnosed with dementia I became afraid of her and became so distant with her and our relationship. It sounds awful, but when something bad happens to someone close to me, the only way I know how to cope with something like that is to back away. I knew then, that with this a type of illness that she could no longer "be there" mentally and she would eventually die from it. I realize I should have focused it more on her instead of being selfish and thinking about how it was affecting me. I should have then been thinking about how it was affecting her and how much it was going to change her life.
I remember this Christmas with her and how different it was because we as a family never celebrated Christmas morning with anyone but just the four of us and now we had grandma who at that time was pretty sick. Prior to Christmas my mom had asked if it was OK that grandma join and everyone was OK with it and I was alright with it but just nervous. I (like I mentioned above) was just afraid to be around her. I was afraid to be around her because she wasn't the grandma I knew...she barely knew me, and she barely knew what was going on anymore. I can't imagine what dementia is like (I already hate it so much when I forget small things now) and how lost she must have felt to not know who she really even was.
I know I lost my grandma a bit ago (2007) but I felt like I lost her when she got sick, but that is my fault. I do wish I could have spent more time with her and I should have visited her more often when I was able to. When I went away to college, I really wasn't able to see her much and didn't make the effort to visit her at the "elderly/nursing" home she was at. I did visit once or twice with my mom a bit before she passed away and I was scared to really see what my grandma had become. My grandma was physically there but mentally she was somewhere else, and that is probably one of the hardest things to see. Where did my grandma go? When we were there it was lunch time and it just depressed me watching my mom having to spoon feed my grandma. I wondered then and wonder now what it's like to have to do that; to have to watch and see the mother you once knew deteriorate into someone that was no longer there. I also wondered what it must have felt like to not be able to do anything for yourself. If my grandma knew she had to be fed like that, I think she would have been irate and refused to eat then to have someone feed her. My grandma was very much an independent person and hated it when someone did something for her.
Anyway, my mom and grandma were pretty close and I don't think I knew at all how much pain and sadness my mom was feeling at the time. I also know, that at that time I didn't want to see it...I just wanted to pretend that my grandma was fine, and this wasn't happening, and that she wasn't going to die.
When my grandma passed away it was the beginning of sophomore year of college, and I knew it was coming but I put it in the back of my mind. I remember walking back to my dorm room and getting the call from my dad telling me that grandma had passed away and that Greg, my brother, was going to get me soon so that we could head home. I remember not feeling anything (no emotion, no tears) about my grandma passing, but I remember being so angry that I was going to miss the football game with my boyfriend at that time. I know, I probably sound heartless, or was heartless back then, but you have to realize that emotions and death I struggle with. All my life I had felt like people went in and out of my life too fast, and I didn't know who was going to stay around and because of that when I knew something bad was going to happen, I emotionally shut myself down.
When I got home it was a strange mess. I hugged my mom and I could feel her pain but I didn't know how to help besides be quiet and make sure things were taken care of. The funeral was nice and I had shut down at that point, and I was simply there to say goodbye to my grandma and to make sure my mom was OK. She surprisingly didn't cry too much which made me nervous but I think this time (at my grandpa's funeral she cried a lot but I think this was due to his unexpected death--and that is another post in itself) she was knew that this was going to happen and I think mentally she was sort of prepared. During my stay home I felt like it was an out of body experience because I felt like this really wasn't happening, that this was all just a really bad nightmare. Instead, it was all very real, and I just kept my thoughts to myself and physically made sure I was there.
After all the funeral things were done, my brother and I were soon headed home. I was happy yet afraid to leave home because I knew my mom was changing. Losing her mom was the last of her parents, and losing her mom in general was a huge life event. I didn't know at the time but she had to go on anti-depressants just to feel better I guess but I don't know too much about this because I wasn't really around nor asked. I just remember her telling me that she had to get off of them because it made her feel worse and just more empty and "dead-like". My grandma passing away really changed my mom for a long time and for that time I kind of lost my mom at that point too because I didn't know how to help her and I was at a lost for words to soothe my mom's pain.
I don't think anyone to this day knows how scared and sad I was when all of this was happening. I probably seemed like a distant daughter throughout it all but the wheels were turning in my head. I was trying to (and at the same time not) grasp the concept of what was really happening with my grandma.
If anyone is reading this please don't judge me because of how I reacted and dealt with this at the time because we all handle emotions differently. I admit I had a great bought of "me-me-me" instead of focusing on my mom, my family, and my grandma at the time, but I didn't know how to deal with any of this. How does one deal with terminal illness and death?
I miss my grandma dearly. I will always remember my grandma. My grandma was a great person: she was selfless, she loved life, and she cared about everybody (plus she baked/made delicious food). The photo is our last picture and Christmas together before she passed away. It is sad to see how frail and sick she looked, yet that smile she had on her face was so genuine. Although she didn't know who we really were anymore (besides her kids, my mom) she was still happy to be apart of our celebrations. I will always remember her, and I'm sure she's happy being with my grandpa again.
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My brother and I were pretty close growing up but as soon as we both went away to college is when our relationship changed. When we went to school together, we probably saw each other probably less than a handful of times..yet he lived so close to me. The distant part is probably a great deal of my fault because I didn't make any effort but neither did he. What really changed our relationship was depression and anxiety controlling my life at that time. He was probably the only one in my family (freshman-junior year of college) that really knew what was going on, but I knew that he was also letting my parents in on what or how I was doing. I didn't like that feeling, and I also didn't like the feeling that I always had to call him or get in contact with him for us to talk at all. Then again, talking to my family since they knew about my depression has always been a "I have to initiate first" with them in order for them to talk to me. It's already anxiety ridden for me to speak with my family (not all the time), so for me to have to always initiate feels overwhelming and also like maybe they just don't care to talk to me. Why can't my brother or my parents call me sometime so I feel like they want to talk to me? I've always asked that question, never really gotten an answer but that's OK, I guess I have just learned to deal with it.
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This photo is a great one, but distant, happy memory.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."