"The Most Important Thing: Prayer"

This is part five on the "Living Larger Than Ourselves" of his sermon series.

This message I really enjoyed, and it probably is one of my favorite messages I have heard from Pastor Kev.

The First Church of Jerusalem's Answer to Overwhelming Challenges: PRAY

Praying Principles
1. Pray for change.

"The pain of the world will sear and break our hearts because we can no longer keep them closed. We've seen too much now. To some degree or other, we have surrendered into service and are willing to pay the price of compassion.

But with it comes the joy of a single, caring act. With it comes the honor of participating in a generous process in which one rises each day and does what one can. With it comes the simple, singular grace of being an instrument of Love, in whatever form, to whatever end."
-Ram Dass

2. Pray repeatedly.

I can't tell you how many times I probably have prayed in my life, but it's a LOT.

"Pray repeatedly" and "Pray expectantly" kind of run together, so read below.

3. Pray expectantly.

Pastor Kev had mentioned that even though God may not change the circumstance of a situation, he may change you--I find that very true. There have been some circumstances in my life that he did not change, but it definitely changed me as a person. In some respects I would say it changed me for the better, but I wished back then that there could have been some change in the circumstances I was placed in when I was younger.

Those circumstances have changed me in many ways but in for the better I would have to say it has made me stronger, and a better person. It has made me realize that there are people who do really bad things in this world but not everyone is like that. I have had to realize that what happened back then was not my fault but at the fault of another.

I was angry at God when I was younger because I incessantly prayed for Him to help me I now realize I do not need a reason to be angry at God. I do in fact have a reason to be angry at that person that changed my life forever when I was young. Sometimes I wonder what I did to have someone do that? I know the answer is nothing but why me? He was supposed to love me and protect me, why would he do that?

Anyway, I'm still going through that stuff, so if you would like, just pray for me. Pray for peace and forgiveness. I want to find it in my heart to forgive him (though in my selfishness I sometimes feel like he doesn't deserve to be forgiven) and to be able to just move on, and not let him or those memories control my life.

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I really like this acronym:

Pray Until Something Happens = P.U.S.H.

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Prayer has always been a source a comfort until all of that happened in my life, but regardless I still prayed. I got tired of praying at one point because I never saw any change. He did not change the circumstances like I had mentioned before but I know I have to be thankful for Him that I got through all of it, and look where I'm at today. I am happy, have an amazing life, with amazing people, and I'm still standing strong.

Thanks not only to Him, but to everyone who has stuck around and helped through the hardest times and even through this period of my life: You guys are dear to my heart and I am not sure where I would be without any of you.

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"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
-Melody Beattie

Day Twenty-Four: A Photo Of What You Want To Be When You Grow Up

IT Technician/consultant/manager.

I AM Feeling: Great!

Things are finally headed in the right direction for me in terms of my happiness.

I think the biggest thing that happened for me this year or most recently is that I finally bought a car all on my own :) I had borrowing a car from a friend's brother for the past couple of months and now I have my own car! Last week it felt so unreal and exhilarating to be driving my very own car and the fact that I would never have to borrow someone else's car or ask for a ride because of not having a car.

I have not had a car since 2006 and how did I live without one for so long? Well I had always lived on campus and my one job at that time was on campus so really there was no need. Whenever I needed groceries or had to do an errand I had plenty of friends that were doing errands that I could get a ride from. The need for a car increased this summer when I started doing my own things like summer rec soccer, getting another job that wasn't on campus, and just wanting to be independent again. The need really increased this fall because the person that I was getting a ride to my new full-time job was getting tired of bringing me to work (which is clearly understandable) and so I had to really figure out how to get enough money in time to buy a vehicle by December-February.

So, I DID IT! I have my own car, paying for my first loan, car insurance, etc. It feels good, except I am back to being very poor until I can build up my funds again.

ALSO I had mentioned that my car had issues and it is currently getting fixed and I am very excited to get it back on Tuesday. There was an issue with the power steering pump/leak and so that is what is taking the longest. I now have a Toyota Camry that is baby blue and is ugly as could be (in my opinion) but I am glad to have a loaner until the my car is back! It sucks to have to already get work doen on the car with my first car but at least the dealer is taking care of the expenses..THANK GOD.

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The relationship world is going great. As corny as this may sound, as of tomorrow, we have been dating for 1 month and that makes me very happy. I feel like we've been dating a lot longer but maybe that's because we started really getting to know each other back in mid-ish November (Thanksgiving to be exact ha ha ha!). Like I've mentioned several times before, I am very happy with him and we are doing so well. I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. I think that is due to the fact that I have really grown up and I know what I want, and I know how to control my anxieties or worries. I have learned to talk things through instead of holding them in, and with him...he makes me want to be better, to do better. He. Is. Great.

"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. "
-Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

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There are still a lot of things that are going on in my head but who doesn't have that going on? I am just trying to not let them get to me.

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Church is really helping me, I feel like I am slowly making my way back to God (not that I really left him, moreorless pushed Him aside).

I read my bible often, just trying to make sense of the questions I have for Him and for myself. The church that I've been going to has really made me feel so welcomed, so wanted, and I really like Pastor Kev and his wife. It was awesome to go out to lunch with the both of them and my friend Angie. Instead of church feeling like a place of gossip, money, and more money, church feels homey, welcoming, loving, and helpful. I haven't felt that in years, and it is good to be getting back in the rhythm of church, and most importantly God.

Day Twenty-Three: A Photo Of Something You Want To Do Someday

Day Twenty-Two: A Photo That You Associate A Good Memory With

Leaderquest 2007. This was an amazing experience to go through and it made the 2nd semester of my freshman year one of the best semesters I've had at NDSU. The best part of that experience is that these are friends I still keep in touch from time to time and I'm still friends with.

Leaderquest forever bonds all of us, so when we lose touch and we run into each other, it's like we pick up from where we left off.

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"Even though we've changed and we're still finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're still not all friends."

Just A Little Sad

I wish I could explain on here exactly what is going on with my life, but there is one that is fortunate (or maybe not, ha!) to know all.

Anyway, something happened yesterday and it has made today a little harder especially since I received a missed call and a horrible email from that person. I'm sure this blog doesn't make any sense at all but this is just my way of trying to get through it. I cried. I haven't cried in awhile and it felt bad.

I'm not sure what to do, and I didn't sleep the best because I was having flashbacks all night that kept waking me up. Flashbacks are the worse and I hate re-living certain events that I have worked so hard to forget.

Well...I'll get through it, and life will surely move on.

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I am getting my car fixed tomorrow and I am so excited! I will have a rental car for a little bit but it is so worth it to get everything taken care off. Boy is that a relief! It's around 300-400 dollars worth of work thanks to my dealer finding other places to get the work done.

It certainly made me feel like an idiot for buying a car with problems, but it's getting taken care of so I feel a bit better. I just want my car because I really love that car already.

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"Sorrow happens, hardship happens, the hell with it, who never knew the price of happiness, will not be happy."

Day Twenty-One: A Photo Of Somebody You Find Attractive

Let's call him exhibit A. A lot of people will probably know who this guy is but for those who don't? Ha, HE will remain a mystery :)

"And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you..."

Completely Unwritten

You're completely unwritten,
your story's just begun,
you've now started college
that's one battle you've won.

You walk in on move in day,
with nerves slowly unraveling,
your brain and your muscles,
are tired from traveling.

You slowly unpack,
the things that remind you of home,
you start getting that feeling,
that you're now all alone.

Your pages are refreshed,
from the pages written before,
your life has now started again,
you're now looking for more.

First time of meeting your roommate,
you see that you guys don't get along,
you try to ignore that aching sense,
by trying to be brave and strong.

More lessons have been added to,
the book that's called your destiny,
your goals and your dreams
don't come in one but aplenty.

First friend you meet,
you can tell you'll be great friends.
you're beginning to feel okay,
you start feeling like things are on the mend.

Some pages have gotten crinkled,
from the craziness of your days,
you realize that you can't find your class,
the college campus is a big maze.

You have finally gotten through,
so many obstacles and jumps,
you realize that your road,
is going to have some cracks and bumps.

The pages are starting to fill,
with stories that are about everything,
you see that your new life is going great,
you're now enjoying what it brings.

Your thoughts are now about papers,
not exactly about drama and boys,
you're thinking about the future ahead,
money, and how to get employed.

The book is now becoming your life
something that can be written for awhile,
your pages will get more creative,
have more enthusiasm, bounce and style.

It's up to you how college goes,
you're now on your own,
but you have to remember,
you're definitely not in this alone.

Go live your life vicariously,
your story has just begun,
you've accomplished your first few days,
that's one battle you've won.

09/13/06

I was just digging through my poems that I found in couple of notes and I happen to find this one. I took this poem from an a poem that I wrote about in high school for a project and changed it so it was fitting for college. The original was about kindergartners starting their life because my project was from mentoring/tutoring a class for a semester.

I don't know, I like these poems but I'm really not sure what to think of it, whether they seem juvenile or if they are actually alright? Maybe that is because I am so critical of my work.

Runner Girl

There's this girl who likes to run,
but she doesn't like to do track,
something is different about her,
may be that she doesn't "run" like that.

Instead she runs from life,
and anything that could hurt her,
she doesn't care about anyone else,
nothing just seems to matter.

Her run isn't like a race,
there's no finish line,
there's no one running after her,
and by that she doesn't mind.

Distance is what this girl wants,
to her it might seem like the perfect solution,
but she can't run from life,
not when it's in full blown motion.

She's hiding from the people who love her,
but that has no meaning,
just knowing that she's hurting people,
just means she's "winning".

Her whole goal is to get away,
to run as fast as she can,
running to a place where no one knows her,
where people won't demand.

The lies and ongoing fights,
supplies her endless need to run,
she tells no one about her anguishes,
now look who she's become.

She's thought of thoughts,
that could end her pain right away,
but she couldn't do that,
she's merely just too afraid.

There once was a time,
when her pace was so much slower,
she let people in her life,
but now no one really knows her.

That time has now passed by,
and she's running faster,
She really needs some control,
because things are headed for a disaster.

Every now and then,
she takes a break from running,
she lets loose and has some fun,
maybe she's slowly learning.

But learning is not what she's doing,
instead she puts up a mask,
she can hide her scars and emotions,
so no one will ask.

Her mask is starting to tear,
and the people are starting to see;
she's not the person they thought she was,
she's not that person people perceived.

She doesn't want anyone to help her,
even when she trips or falls,
the bruises and the cuts may bleed,
but she needs no help at all.

This girl has nothing to do but run,
and running is what she's best at,
she's one of the best runners,
especially when she "runs" like that.

Wow, I wrote that awhile ago, and for some reason I don't have the original written date but it was before 2006.

I'm not sure how much I like the poem but it's decent for my writing back then.

Day Twenty: A Photo Of Something You Ate Today

Nom nom nom, these are really delicious and a good snacking food!

Ever So Busy

I am exhausted. I worked from 7:30-10am, 11-8pm, worked out from 8:20-9pm, and now waiting for my two loads of laundry to be done just so I can go to bed so I can go to work at 8am...

The only exciting thing is that tomorrow I get my car all looked at (just to make sure everything is dandy) and I get to take it where I want to take it instead of that stupid car care center place that was down right rude over the phone. Tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day being shuttled to where I need to be while my car is checked out. I haven't quite decided if I want to work, or go workout or something of that sort. I do have my friend's car as well, so that makes it convenient if I want to go to the Y or run errands or something. I will probably end up at the Y but then probably head into work because if I don't work I often feel unproductive and lazy..plus it is money.

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So the topic of today is BUSY. I've mentioned over and over again how busy I am with working two jobs (which amount to a total of 60 hours per week), working out 5-7 days a week, hanging out with friends, volunteering, playing soccer, and oh yeah having a boyfriend/being in a relationship. How the heck am I doing this and keeping sane? I am really not sure to be honest with you but the having a boyfriend/being in a relationship part is getting affected I would say the most. I realize how busy I am, but I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to work with someone else's schedule/spontaneous plan making/life. This seems to be the on-going frustrating topic recently between the guy and I.

I wish it wasn't so frustrating, and I 100% realize that this conversation should be more in person than anything else because I think things get taken the wrong way. We talked about it today and tonight, and I don't feel like we've made too much progress and we end up just getting frustrated rather than go in a positive direction. I wouldn't really call this arguing but it's not the easiest thing to figure out or talk about. I also realize that I have to be happy with the time that I spend with him, rather than continuously focus on the fact that we honestly don't see each other too much except for weekends..and to me sometimes can seem rough. Please make note that I do not need to see him everyday nor do I want to see him everyday.

Our schedules are so hectic but mainly because he is more spontaneous in plans than I am. My week is pretty structured and scheduled thus it lacks spontaneity. I know what I'm doing from day to day for the most part and adjust accordingly mainly on the weekends to when I see him. He, on the other hand, has a schedule as well, but has all these random plans of hanging out with his friends...and that is perfectly fine with me, it just all happens to clash with one another and that is where we have to figure out how to compromise or somehow make things work. Then we have to figure out one-on-one time versus hanging out with friends or his roommate. I don't know, it seems like a mess right now but I know we'll get the hang of it. We have only been dating for about a month (this upcoming Sunday) so we've definitely got time. I would just rather hash this out now rather than later.

I do know that we've got figured out that we want to spend time together, we like spending time together, and this is going to take some adjusting.

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Anyway, my day went alright, it was pretty busy and by the afternoon I was getting pretty tired and worn out from taking all these calls. The only thing that was going my way was my stats were improving "awesome-ly" and I am very much on my way to cross training! I also got a 100% from QA so that also made my day too because I always get stuck with 94%...but this is me just talking work jargon and for those who don't know about QA's and the scores, I do not care to explain at this point, so I'm going to move on ha!

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OMG I am so freaking tired. GAH! This laundry needs to be done now...but no, I'm guessing abut an hour to go...ugh. Then it's definitely bed time so I can just stop muddling about the guy, and the blah topic, and hopefully we can just hash it all out at some point and move away from it because I'm getting a little too frustrated with it in that we have exhausted this topic in some ways. I just feel like we're getting stuck therefore we should actually probably talk about this in person.

I get pretty stuck on the topic until we can get it figured out or find a way to make it so we're not leaving in a huff or feeling "blah" by the end of it. I know we'll be fine, it worries me in that this is probably the biggest thing we have to adjust to with one another (though I am sure we will find plenty of other things we will have to hash out).

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"History balances the frustration of 'how far we have to go' with the satisfaction of 'how far we have come.' It teaches us tolerance for the human shortcomings and imperfections which are not uniquely of our generation, but of all time."
-Lewis F. Powell Jr.

Day Nineteen: A Photo Of Last Summer

Click on the picture to see it better.

This photo is from a goodbye party for our co-worker Alekhya who was moving on to better things than the good ol' Help Desk. This was a lot of fun and some of these people have changed my life most definitely. Some of these people have listened to my life problems, they've been there, they've been better than just co-workers. I have to thank some of them from the bottom of my heart because sometimes I'm not sure where I would have been without them.

Thanks guys!

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These people, and this job is what changed my career path for the better. I once wanted to go to medical school to be an oncologist but when I randomly applied for the Information Technology Help Desk that changed slowly but surely.

It took me being promoted to a supervisor to realize how much I loved the IT field and how much I thrived in this field.

I still wish though I could clone myself so that I could do all these careers in some aspects: be a doctor, be a PCA, be a Help Desk manager/technician/consultant...if only!

Typical Case Of The Mondays

So this is what my car looks like (one day when I'm not busy I will post actual pictures of my car, but this will have to do).

It has an off-white leather/pleather? interior, heated seats, astro start, and it is simply amazing. There are a couple minor fixes that need to be done to it (it is used) but obviously having the dealer pay for the repairs which include: a possibly loose belt (it likes to squeal/whirr ever so slightly while driving), LCD light is going out on clock, and sunglasses holder's left hinge is broken, so there's a gaping hole where the holder cap thing should be.

Yeah it is kind of lame those things have to be fixed but otherwise the car is a keeper and I'm getting the car fixed on Wednesday!

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So it's been a typical Monday, and ugh it just has not been fun. Lots of same ol' "blah" calls, not to mention I am pretty tired of these long days.

I hear a couple of people have are having the "typical case of the Mondays" or off day and I'm beginning to think I am going to be included in this group. Luckily calls haven't been terrible, just a blah day overall.

I think what makes it the blah day for me is talking to the rude car center center today that was supposed to help me out on fixing the tid-bits of my car. The guy I spoke to was rude, and basically just said "I can't do that" or "that's not what we do" and failed to take my name for the appointment. At least I was able to speak with Luther Family Buick Pontiac and have them schedule an appointment for me to have my car looked at and the dealer I bought it from approved me taking it there, so excellent in that respects, otherwise, I would have to complain. I just need this day to be over.

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Random thought: I can't believe how many people I hear read this blog. I just think it's different but kind of cool at the same time that people would want to read my words and thoughts. I really just tend to ramble, and just spit out what's on my mind because for the month now that I've been doing this blog thing again, it's been a beautiful thing for me: to be able to just type out how I feel because I don't have time to take a day off to "reset"...I only have random moments to spout out my thoughts. I was talking to my boyfriend about that, and he's lucky he has days that he can do that...I really actually need that but at this time, there just isn't enough time to do that...so really thank GOD for blogging.

It's kind of odd knowing that even though I feel like I'm just writing in a blog, that is a steady audience reading along with what I'm writing.

I hope it helps people or I hope it gets people to realize that I am more than just this girl (pretty, has a boyfriend, eats a lot, hardworking, etc), or maybe it'll inspire someone, but nonetheless thanks for reading.

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Anyway, I hope everyone who's having an off day has a better rest of their day and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.

So I leave with this quote, because I love quotes and bible verses that fit well with my writing:

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”
-Maya Angelou

Day Eighteen: A Photo Of Your Town

This is a picture of Plymouth, MN (where I'm from orginally) and this is at Medicine Lake at French Park.

This place isn't too far from the house that I grew up in and good days the lake looks like this, but either way it's still a beautiful place even if I would suggest to swim in it.



This is Fargo, ND (currently where I'm living and have been since 2006) and this is downtown where you can see the cool buildings and the Fargo Theater.

Fargo, it's a place I would now consider my home. I came to Fargo because of college and even though it was strange and a lot different from what Plymouth (suburbia) I liked it. I think I liked because I felt like I finally could be my own person without someone watching me, that I could essentially start over.

I don't want to stay in Fargo forever but right now I am content. I have two jobs, a boyfriend, a lot of friends, and I'm pretty happy in general with this place. I am not too fond of the frigid weather, nor the snow (although in most cases as long as the weather is alright temperature wise, I don't mind it too bad), so I'm thinking I would like to end up somewhere else. I have been looking at North Carolina or Arizona, somewhere other than the mid-western but until then I will be here :).

"What Walls Are We Talking About?"

This is part four on the "Living Larger Than Ourselves" of his sermon series.

Walls of prejudice and discrimination.

For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,” while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
James 2:2-4

God loves the other people on the other side of my wall.

How to Break Down Walls:

1. Get a flatter perspective.

But if you treat some people better than others, you have done wrong, and the Scriptures teach that you have sinned.
James 2:9

2. Get a broader perspective.

And I pray that you and all God's holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ's love--how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.
Ephesians 3:18

3. Get a relational perspective.

We are not careful not to judge people by what they seem to be, though we once judged Christ in that way.
2 Corinthians 5:16

Day Seventeen: A Photo From A Trip You'll Never Forget

This was from marching band, and we got to take our trip to Orlando, Florida, and play in the parade in Disney World and it was a lot of fun. Our group among a few others bonded a lot during this trip and that was the best part. I had a falling out with a friend and we got to become best friends again on this trip. There was no drama on this trip whatsoever and it was an all around good time.

This photo brings back a lot of memories and it reminds me of the time that I was soooo hungry for a turkey leg, and by the time we were near a turkey leg stand my friends all had gotten ice cream. I bought a turkey leg and an ice cream treat and it was soo good. My friends were amazed (yet not really surprised) that I was eating both. The picture below is to prove it, and let me tell you, a lot of people actually took a picture of me eating these two things.



Yeah it's a little gross, but eh it kind of explains me in a way because I am always hungry (I know a lot of people who can atest to that). Either way this picture was funny because it brings back a lot of fun memories.

Day Sixteen: A Photo From Your Childhood

Click on the picture to see it better.

This is from my 8th grade "graduation" party at our middle school with my friend Emily, and our awesome guy friends. This was an awkward time for me for sure: braces, glasses, and not really sure on what to wear to look "good" ha ha. I do remember at this party that I was just glad to be moving onto high school in search of a less awkward self...which eventually I did find...in the middle of sophomore year :)

A Blog Post From The Past

I was looking at my old blog and just thought I would show you what I was like in (May 10th, 2008 to be exact) 2008:

So I guess I'm into lyrics about how I feel about my depression or how people feel about my depression, so here's another set but this one is specifically to how the ones that are really close to me or know about depression in general may feel.

"Save You" by Simple Plan

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish I could tell you something
To take it all away

[Chorus]
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
It's drowing in a whisper
It's just skins and bones
There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If I could only find the answer
To help me understand

[Chorus]

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting for you to fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

[Chorus]

The bolded words are the ones that seem to stick out in my mind. I think if the one person takes a look at these lyrics, he will completely understand these lyrics. Actually if you've been reading my post, you'll know the one person I'm talking about...David.

Time and time again I've heard variations of these phrases from him. He wishes he could figure out some way to help me, or say something to make me feel better.

Honestly, the best thing David can do for me or anyone really is just be there.

1) You don't need to say that you don't understand (because in most cases you won't, unless you have depression or experiences with people/friends/family/etc who have had depression) and you don't need to figure out a way to understand my situation.

I hate it when people try to understand my situation or say "I understand" when they don't because they feel like that's the only way they can symphathize or attempt to empathize with me. Like I said above, you can't really understand where I'm coming from unless you lived it or had personal experiences with other people. To understand somewhat what I'm talking about you would have to have personally experienced depression. All in all, the only person that will ever understand how I'm feeling or what I'm dealing with is ME.

2) I just want your support, your love, your smiles, your hugs and for you to let me know that you're there for me.

As much as I hate it sometimes, I do like the hugs and the smiles I receive from people just letting me know that they're there for me and that they love me. It hurts sometimes: to know that you can't be superwoman (or man), that you can't do everything on your own, and that you do need help. I may not need help all the time, but surely asking for it is a tough one for me, and I think for everyone in general. I would love to think that I can tackle my world with all of it's problems, disfunctions, and sticky situations, but I can't, I just can't do it all. I can only do, what I possibly can do at the moment, and leave the rest of it to another time or moment.

2) You don't need to feel sorry for me, constantly watch over me, or change how you act around me (yes I might overreact sometimes, or cry, or get mad but that's usually due to my mood, or how I actually feel but that doesn't mean you need to feel like you should be walking on eggshells around me).

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR ME. You would think that's what depressed people want or think that all we strive for is attention (hence the cutting, the suicidal thoughts, etc). There may be people out there who do those things for attention but that is the last thing I want to cause. If I could, I wouldn't tell anyone because the last thing I want to put on someone is guilt, or sadness, or worry or even begin to feel my pain. I never ever want someone (even a person I strongly dislike) to feel the deep pain I feel inside. David has felt it I know, and it makes me sad to make him upset, or frusterated over something of mine because it's my issue and he shouldn't have to be drained with my problems. I wish sometimes I could just keep my problems to myself so I cause nobody harm but myself but that wouldn't get me anywhere would it?

3) I really want to be treated like every other human being (treated the same as you have treated me before).
I don't think anyone in this world likes to be treated differently from amongst their peers, their co-workers, their classmates (I know people could beg to differ but there are always people who won't fit a category or this category to be specific). I just don't think that my depression should have to change who I am. Yes it definitely effects my behavior and how I may handle specific situations, but it doesn't change me to the point you have to be cautious around me. I am a bubbly, outgoing person, who loves to be around people but has some tough moments/days/weeks but I still am Cheeto or Charito (however you want to call me).

4) You don't need to tell me things that I already know, or be my counselor, or tell me how I'm feeling or how you think I'm feeling, tell me what I should do, or try to fix me.

Please in no way try to question me like you're my counselor or tell me how I'm feeling. That is about the worst thing you could do. I mean please, just be my friend, but don't be so nosy or think you know how to deal with my situation. Unless you're my psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, or therapist, etc (anything that qualifies a person to deal with my depression) you don't know what you're dealing with. Even those who are qualified may not always understand what I'm talking about. Even I sometimes don't know how to express my feelings, so how someone else besides me even identify with what I'm feeling? I'm sure sometimes you could guess, but to label me with feelings, instead of asking me, isn't the way to go. Please don't keep asking me how I feel if I keep telling you that I honestly don't know. Sometimes I just don't know, and it may take awhile for me to figure it out, or maybe I won't ever know how to identify how I feel.

5) I really want to be like you guys, to be able to cope with my problems, to not cut ever again, to be able to work on my relationships that I've let go, and to feel happy about a day without questioning why this certain day is going so well.

This is probably one of the things I yearn for but I know that this depression of mine is going to stick around for awhile and that it may never completely go away. I haven't cut in 2 weeks and 5 days and I'm hoping to keep that going for a long while if not for the rest of my life. I know it's probably one of the most degrading things for me to do to myself. But number explains itself, I just want to be normal. But is there such a thing as 'normalcy' or are people born to be imperfect?

That's it for now.

Day Fifteen: A Photo Of You And A Family Member

This is a photo of my brother, my grandma, and I from a Christmas in 2006. Since the photo, my grandma has passed away, and my brother...well we don't really talk.

It is always so interesting how much life can change from one day to the next, let alone one year to another. This photo tugs at my heart a little bit because it reminds me of the days when things were going "OK" with my family.

---

I have fond memories of my grandma, and how much we got along really well before she got sick. I still remember the time that I was playing with her veins on her hand and I told her that her veins stuck out really bad...boy was she offended! She told me that that's what happens when you get older and you shouldn't make fun of things like that in an older person. I felt really bad, and from that day on I never played with the veins on her hand nor did I even really look at them because I was afraid to get scolded again. I love(d) her so much but when she was diagnosed with dementia I became afraid of her and became so distant with her and our relationship. It sounds awful, but when something bad happens to someone close to me, the only way I know how to cope with something like that is to back away. I knew then, that with this a type of illness that she could no longer "be there" mentally and she would eventually die from it. I realize I should have focused it more on her instead of being selfish and thinking about how it was affecting me. I should have then been thinking about how it was affecting her and how much it was going to change her life.

I remember this Christmas with her and how different it was because we as a family never celebrated Christmas morning with anyone but just the four of us and now we had grandma who at that time was pretty sick. Prior to Christmas my mom had asked if it was OK that grandma join and everyone was OK with it and I was alright with it but just nervous. I (like I mentioned above) was just afraid to be around her. I was afraid to be around her because she wasn't the grandma I knew...she barely knew me, and she barely knew what was going on anymore. I can't imagine what dementia is like (I already hate it so much when I forget small things now) and how lost she must have felt to not know who she really even was.

I know I lost my grandma a bit ago (2007) but I felt like I lost her when she got sick, but that is my fault. I do wish I could have spent more time with her and I should have visited her more often when I was able to. When I went away to college, I really wasn't able to see her much and didn't make the effort to visit her at the "elderly/nursing" home she was at. I did visit once or twice with my mom a bit before she passed away and I was scared to really see what my grandma had become. My grandma was physically there but mentally she was somewhere else, and that is probably one of the hardest things to see. Where did my grandma go? When we were there it was lunch time and it just depressed me watching my mom having to spoon feed my grandma. I wondered then and wonder now what it's like to have to do that; to have to watch and see the mother you once knew deteriorate into someone that was no longer there. I also wondered what it must have felt like to not be able to do anything for yourself. If my grandma knew she had to be fed like that, I think she would have been irate and refused to eat then to have someone feed her. My grandma was very much an independent person and hated it when someone did something for her.

Anyway, my mom and grandma were pretty close and I don't think I knew at all how much pain and sadness my mom was feeling at the time. I also know, that at that time I didn't want to see it...I just wanted to pretend that my grandma was fine, and this wasn't happening, and that she wasn't going to die.

When my grandma passed away it was the beginning of sophomore year of college, and I knew it was coming but I put it in the back of my mind. I remember walking back to my dorm room and getting the call from my dad telling me that grandma had passed away and that Greg, my brother, was going to get me soon so that we could head home. I remember not feeling anything (no emotion, no tears) about my grandma passing, but I remember being so angry that I was going to miss the football game with my boyfriend at that time. I know, I probably sound heartless, or was heartless back then, but you have to realize that emotions and death I struggle with. All my life I had felt like people went in and out of my life too fast, and I didn't know who was going to stay around and because of that when I knew something bad was going to happen, I emotionally shut myself down.

When I got home it was a strange mess. I hugged my mom and I could feel her pain but I didn't know how to help besides be quiet and make sure things were taken care of. The funeral was nice and I had shut down at that point, and I was simply there to say goodbye to my grandma and to make sure my mom was OK. She surprisingly didn't cry too much which made me nervous but I think this time (at my grandpa's funeral she cried a lot but I think this was due to his unexpected death--and that is another post in itself) she was knew that this was going to happen and I think mentally she was sort of prepared. During my stay home I felt like it was an out of body experience because I felt like this really wasn't happening, that this was all just a really bad nightmare. Instead, it was all very real, and I just kept my thoughts to myself and physically made sure I was there.

After all the funeral things were done, my brother and I were soon headed home. I was happy yet afraid to leave home because I knew my mom was changing. Losing her mom was the last of her parents, and losing her mom in general was a huge life event. I didn't know at the time but she had to go on anti-depressants just to feel better I guess but I don't know too much about this because I wasn't really around nor asked. I just remember her telling me that she had to get off of them because it made her feel worse and just more empty and "dead-like". My grandma passing away really changed my mom for a long time and for that time I kind of lost my mom at that point too because I didn't know how to help her and I was at a lost for words to soothe my mom's pain.

I don't think anyone to this day knows how scared and sad I was when all of this was happening. I probably seemed like a distant daughter throughout it all but the wheels were turning in my head. I was trying to (and at the same time not) grasp the concept of what was really happening with my grandma.

If anyone is reading this please don't judge me because of how I reacted and dealt with this at the time because we all handle emotions differently. I admit I had a great bought of "me-me-me" instead of focusing on my mom, my family, and my grandma at the time, but I didn't know how to deal with any of this. How does one deal with terminal illness and death?

I miss my grandma dearly. I will always remember my grandma. My grandma was a great person: she was selfless, she loved life, and she cared about everybody (plus she baked/made delicious food). The photo is our last picture and Christmas together before she passed away. It is sad to see how frail and sick she looked, yet that smile she had on her face was so genuine. Although she didn't know who we really were anymore (besides her kids, my mom) she was still happy to be apart of our celebrations. I will always remember her, and I'm sure she's happy being with my grandpa again.

---

My brother and I were pretty close growing up but as soon as we both went away to college is when our relationship changed. When we went to school together, we probably saw each other probably less than a handful of times..yet he lived so close to me. The distant part is probably a great deal of my fault because I didn't make any effort but neither did he. What really changed our relationship was depression and anxiety controlling my life at that time. He was probably the only one in my family (freshman-junior year of college) that really knew what was going on, but I knew that he was also letting my parents in on what or how I was doing. I didn't like that feeling, and I also didn't like the feeling that I always had to call him or get in contact with him for us to talk at all. Then again, talking to my family since they knew about my depression has always been a "I have to initiate first" with them in order for them to talk to me. It's already anxiety ridden for me to speak with my family (not all the time), so for me to have to always initiate feels overwhelming and also like maybe they just don't care to talk to me. Why can't my brother or my parents call me sometime so I feel like they want to talk to me? I've always asked that question, never really gotten an answer but that's OK, I guess I have just learned to deal with it.

---

This photo is a great one, but distant, happy memory.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."

Day Fourteen: A Photo Of Your Best Friend(s)

Since I've already written about them I thought I would also include a favorite memory that I have with them.




Emma Cartwright: I don't even know where to begin Em because we've had so many memories together, but one memory I am fond of is our outing with our boyfriends (at the time) in Minneapolis. That was just a great day especially at the Walker Art Museum as we have photos to prove it. I will never forget when we got yelled at by that museum lady because we were taking a photo with or in that statue and she told us that we could not be on that statue. I think one of our boyfriends got a quick shot of her in the background in one of the photos...ha ha ha! You already know this because I tell you all the time, but I love you and miss you!



Chris Franz: I know we don't have the most memories together because we don't see each other much but one of my favorite memories is our first memory together. We had been chatting online for several weeks due to our good friend John and we were finally going to meet each other in person. We went to see "Catch Me If You Can" with our friends John and Lauren and it was so great to finally put a face on the person I had been getting to know for so long. We kind of got doubled together because John and Lauren liked each other a lot, ha! It was really great being able to finally meet you, and we have great friends since.




Aris Anderson: Ah Aris from Paris, how I love you! I will never forget nor stop laughing about the time that we took photos from my laptop during our CDFS class and how we were trying not to get caught. I still have the photos and they make me laugh so much because of how hard we were trying to not let the professor know we were taking pictures while she was talking about something not interesting apparently. Come back to Fargo please, I miss you, and one day I will come visit you!! I love you and thanks for sticking through the good and the bad.

You guys all mean a bunch to me, and it all really sucks that you guys are not near me at all, but that makes the times I see you even better.

Oh. Geez.

So I am awful about speaking my mind when it comes to me being frustrated. I need to work on this, because I just continuously keep my mouth shut and just muddle in it in circles. I am allowed to feel frustrated...I realize that, but often I feel like my frustrations or emotions are irrational.

I don't even want to say it on here, because I just am BLAHHHHH even though my day is going perfectly fine and I'm pretty happy. I should probably just talk about it, but we will see. It would be much healthier for me in that it wouldn't be taken out on others, in respects that someone may take it the wrong way, or maybe no one has noticed which would be fine with me.

I can't understand why I just can't say how I feel, but maybe it's because I just refuse to be irrational or think I'm being irrational. Being frustrated is one of the most difficult emotions for me to feel because I don't know what to do about it. Oh well, work is almost over and I'll muddle it by myself, and get through the night.

Day Thirteen: A Photo Of One Of Your Favorite Movies

"We Were Created To Do Good"

So here are my thoughts on this past Sunday's message. It does feel really good to be back in church and the people are great, and it was really good to get to know Angie for that hour and some that we waited around for Pastor Kev :)

This is part three on the "Living Larger Than Ourselves" of his sermon series.

--

Why Were We Created?

We were created to do good.

I would agree with this because at least I think that when we are born we are not programmed to do harm nor evil (although I know there are studies on whether or not we are genetically predisposed to be "evil")...I think from where we grow up, our experiences, what we view or listen to, influence whether or not we choose to make the right decisions.

Anyone, then, who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, commits sin.
James 4:17

A "Simple" Process for Lending a Helping Hand:

See the need.

I think this is the easiest one out of the three. I think everyone can is good at seeing the need to help someone but in our society today it is so easy to look the other way because we are so busy with our own lives, problems, etc, etc that we come up with so many excuses or reasons to why we can't help someone else.

It's difficult because I love helping people out, but I sometimes I help people out too much and completely disregard my needs. Like I've said in past posts, I need to find a good balance. I also feel like I there are times where I feel like I need to be less selfish and stop looking the other way.

A good example of this I guess would be with homeless people on the streets here. I've seen so many documentaries, and I've meet some of the homeless people it's hard to figure out what they really need or figure out whether not they are just pan handling and getting money just to feed their high or need for drugs. I wish there was a way to distinguish them, but in any respect both parties need help. It is just hard to give away money that I don't know is going to especially when you don't know their story...but how far do you go to helping them? I always cringe when I drive pass them because I'm conflicted like I had mentioned before.

I feel sorry for them and I also question them at the same time. Is that a bad thing?

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught."
-J.C. Watts

Feel the need.

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” And when he had said these things, he knelt down and prayed with them all. And there was much weeping on the part of all; they embraced Paul and kissed him, being sorrowful most of all because of the word he had spoken, that they would not see his face again. And they accompanied him to the ship.
Acts 20:35-38

Meet the need.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

--

Crabby

This is pretty much how I feel. I didn't sleep very well, and today has just been a stressful day to begin and I've got another 8.5 hour shift left to do and then I can go home and muddle in my own crabbiness..ha!

I've got a lot on my mind, and I've been trying to just de-stress and not think about them, but they are all starting to catch to me and it is making me anxious...

But regardless of how I am feeling now, I had a good break from Sunday to Monday...thanks to quite a few people who if they read this will know who they are. You guys are awesome :)

Day Twelve: A Photo Of When You Were Happy

This is Special Olympics Fargo State Soccer Tournament in Grand Forks, North Dakota. This was the team that was I was partnering with and it was amazing. They are a great bunch of people and they are so fun to be around. Our team was called the Eagles and we won first in our division. It is my favorite sport in Special Olympics because: I get to play along with the athletes and the fact that I have played soccer all my life, but also is my favorite sport to play!

Special Olympics is dear to my heart, and soccer will mean a lot to mean in SO too because that is the first sport I started out with in Fargo and now I've coached bowling, helped with Handball, and now it's onto basketball which I hope I have time and they have room for me.

Day Eleven: A Photo Of A Night You Loved

This was a pretty fun night, this was Peter's birthday party at Buck's, and I just remember this moment in particular. I was really hungry (surprise, surprise) and so I just ate the popcorn out of the bowl...Erica saw and she wanted to get it on camera...so she made do it again except she couldn't get her camera to take the picture right, so she kept making me pose for this picture over and over again...it was a pretty good night.

Day Ten: A Photo You Like For Any Reason

Sunflowers, they have always been my favorite, I can't tell you why, and there is no specific reason or memory why but I love them.

Dating

So I haven't been in a real relationship since the summer of 2009 and it definitely is strange (but a very good strange) to be someone's girlfriend and to call someone my boyfriend and talk about them (i.e.-I hung out with my boyfriend this weekend) to other people. Even though it is a strange feeling, I am really happy.

Although I haven't been in relationship in quite some time, I have had numerous "things" and "trials" with guys, but nothing long-term. After my last thing ended in October, I was bound and determined to stay single for a long while (and by awhile I mean several months). When I hit my one month of single-ness I was excited and happy to tell people. It was a month and half in that my single-ness changed and when I had to make the decision whether or not to get into a relationship, I had to think about that. I had to think about whether I was getting in a relationship that I wanted to be in, and that I was going into it for the right reasons...not for the sake of being in a relationship. Besides the me factor, I also have to think about the guy that's involved, because I was at the point again that if I didn't see it going long-term, I wasn't going to put the guy through a relationship that is bound to fail or end.

So why haven't I really been in a solid relationship in awhile? I think the main reason is that I didn't have to worry about someone else: I didn't have to worry about their time, what they were doing, what they were thinking, etc. I didn't have to worry about making time for them, including them in my plans, having them meet my friends or family. What I do realize now though is that if you find that right person: that one who just makes you smile just thinking about them, that you don't necessarily have to worry about those things, you want to do those things because you want to.

Another reason I didn't want to be in a relationship was because I felt like I didn't have the time. I work two jobs, 50-60+ hour weeks, I workout everyday (for the beginning of this year, this has dwindled down just to weekends, but will improve due time again), play soccer, go to church, hang out with friends, eat, breathe, and sleep...now where in that do I have time to fit in a boyfriend? And who would want to date someone with that crazy of a schedule? Sure, I sound like a work-a-holic, and I probably am, but some of it--the whole keeping busy part of it--helps cope with others things that I can't or don't want to deal with at the moment. This, I know for a fact is an unhealthy coping mechanism but I have done this all my life, and with time, and probably a more secure financial footing, I will learn to work less, and enjoy "free-time" for myself.

So...I'm in a relationship now, and we've been dating for two weeks and then some, and it is going really well. Sure it hasn't been perfect but we are happy, and that's what matters. A lot of the questions or frustrations mainly has to do with time, and not seeing each other too much. I would probably say that is more on my end than his, but we are working on it together. From what he has told me, and I have told myself that the time we spend together will be even better because we don't see each other all the time. I realize this but it is certainly different from the relationships I've had in the past where we spend a great majority of our time together. I feel a little frustrated not in the fact of not seeing him enough, but the amount of time we actually spend where we can "be together" (I can't really further explain this, but I wish could..although some people may know who I'm talking about or know the situation). I am just being a girl, and I know that things will get better in all aspects of our relationship, which includes my worries, but it is good to just state them and have them out there as long as I don't let them control my feelings or control this relationship.

How is the relationship so far? It is going so well, in that like I've probably said before, I've never been happier with anyone. I'm not sure what it is about him, but who he is as a person, makes me feel like I want to be a better person. It is not that I am a bad person by any means, but he has such great qualities about him that inspires me to be better. I guess a good example of this is just how he is with people. I don't know how to explain this too well but I feel like when he's in a room full of people, he stands out not because he tries to but because of his personality, how he interacts, how genuine he is. I don't know, there are so many things I like about him. I like the fact that he has his own life, but wants to include me in it. I like that he brings out the best in me (I hope I help bring out the best in him), and helps me stay positive when I feel like the world or a situation is bringing me down. I like how he jokes around with me, and I like the feeling that we could talk forever, and that we have forever topics to talk about.

Conversation in this relationship has yet to really be a struggle, and I find that amazing. Conversation has always been a problem with my other relationships in regards to the fact that I am always the one to talk, or I always have to start our conversations. I don't mind helping or starting out the conversation from time to time, but when that is basically my big role in the relationship, it begins to seem one-sided. With this guy, I feel like we both play a role in starting, keeping a conversation.

I don't know the future yet (which I wish I could) but I have high hopes for him and I. I don't think he realizes how great of a guy he is, nor does he realize how lucky I FEEL that that he CHOSE ME.

We're going to end here before people start turning into mush so I'll leave you with a good quote that I really like:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Courage Is...

Take all my vicious words
And turn them into something good

Take all my preconceptions
And let the truth be understood

Take all my prized possessions
Leave only what I need

Take all my pieces of doubt
And let me be what's underneath

Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway

We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies,
But the song he sings
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway

Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
You keep on living anyway

It's not how many times you've been knocked down
It's how many times you get back up

Courage is when you've lost your way,
But you find your strength anyway

Courage is when you're afraid
Courage is when it all seems grey
Courage is when you make a change,
And you keep on living anyway

You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway

Day Nine: A Photo Of Yourself When You Were A Baby/Child

Nicole's birthday party. I don't remember this party much but because I don't have any child hood pictures of me here in Fargo this will have to do. Good times with the bangs, glasses, and awesome choice of clothing.

I do miss the simpler days and birthday celebrations. Nowadays people skip over parties and don't really celebrate their birthdays because it is just another year that they get OLDER. I still like to celebrate other people's birthdays, but I have never been a fan of celebrating my own because I don't really like being the center of attention or the focus of why people are there. The only thing I liked about birthday parties when I was growing up was just hanging out with my friends, having sleepovers, and YES...getting presents.

Day Eight: A Photo Of Your Favorite Band/Musician

Before I Have To Do Real Work

ABC About You Questions

Just in case you wanted to learn more about me for those who like to read my stuff...

A - AVAILABLE: definitely NOT :)

B - BIRTHDAY: October 23rd

C - CRUSHING ON: this boyfriend of mine

D - DRINK: Muscle Milk Light

E - EASIEST PERSON: wow, this question could definitely be taken the wrong way, but easiest person to get along with, my best friends, and my boyfriend?

F- FIRST CRUSH: P.O.

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Neither but if I had to pick, I guess I would go with gummy bears

H - HOMETOWN: Plymouth, MN

I - IN LOVE WITH: TBD

J - JEALOUS OF: people who can sleep more than 5 hours...but really jealous of no one, my life is what it is, and I'm happy with it

K - KILLED SOMEONE: not yet....... *snicker*

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: 11 hours?

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Oreo

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 1

O - ONE WISH: TBD

P- PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: Emma?

Q- QUICK OR SLOW RUNNER: Quick, slower now with damaged ligaments

R - REASON TO SMILE: Boyfriend, family, friends, God...etc

S - SONG YOU LAST SANG: "Welcome To My Life" because it is currently playing on the computer here at work

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 6:15 AM

U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: black with a pink polka-dotted band

V - VEGETABLE: carrots/corn

W - WORST HABIT: biting my nails

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: ankles, lots and lots of ankles

Y- YOUR WORST FEAR: dying a horrible tortured death, among many other things

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Scorpio

//RANDOM QUESTIONS!!!\\

Spell your name without vowels: Chrt Hlms

What color do you wear most?: pink?

What are you listening to? "Shut up" by Simple Plan

Are you happy with your life right now? definitely...

What is your favorite class in school? any PHYS ED classes haha, or English works, or any "FS" classes

Who is your best friend? See prior post to who I miss...

When do you start back at school/college? how about now?

Are you outgoing? I would definitely say so...

Favorite pair of shoes? heels, or flip flops, or slippers

Can you dance? not really

Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth? heck no

Can you whistle? oh yeah

Cross your eyes? if I try reallllll hard...

Walk with your toes curled? sure

//THE DO'S\\

Do you believe there is life on other planets? sure

Do you believe in miracles? yes

Love at first sight? I'm not sure...

Do you believe in Satan? yes

Do you believe in Santa? haha no

Do you know how to swim? decent enough to not drown

Do you like roller coasters? definitely

Have you ever been on a plane? plenty of times

Have you ever asked someone out? I'm not really sure if I really have...suggested sure?

Have you ever been asked out by someone? yeah a few times....

Have you ever been to the ocean? most definitely

What is the temperature outside? pretty darn cold..

What radio station do you listen to? Y94

What was the last thing you bought? bread and shtuff

What was the last thing on TV you watched? are we talking about real live TV because if that is the case I have no idea? The news perhaps or whatever is playing at the Y, otherwise TV show would be Greek..aha, for some reason it is good enough entertainment to fall asleep to...

Who was the last person you took a picture of? Chris and Tim

Who was the last person you said I love you to? Emma

//CRYING SECTION\\ (Really? This sections is unnecessary)

Ever really cried your heart out? yeah definitely have done that

Ever cried yourself to sleep? sure

Ever cried on your friend's shoulder? sure

Ever cried over the opposite sex? sure

Do you cry when you get an injury? depends

Do certain songs make you cry? sure

//HAPPY SECTION\\

Are you a happy person? definitely

What is your current hair color? black

//CURRENTLY WEARING\\

What shirt are you wearing? lilac 3/4 sleeve button up shirt

Pants? black slacks

Shoes? black boots

Necklaces? none

Bracelets? hair binder

Favorite eye color: I haven't the slightest clue, but blue eyes are nice

Short or long hair: long

Height: 5'0"

//HAVE YOU EVER\\

Been to jail: nooo

Mooned someone: I don't know...

Laughed so hard you cried: ha yes!

Cried in school: I'm sure I have

Wanted to be a model: no way

Done something really stupid that you still laugh about: sure have, I probably have a book of those

Been on drugs: prescription drugs

Gone skinny dipping: probably

//THIS OR THAT\\

Pepsi or Coke: diet coke

Single or Group Dates: both work just fine

Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate

Strawberries or Blueberries: I like both a good amount, but strawberries

Meat or Veggies: both work

TV or Movie: either is fine

Guitar or Drums: guitar

Adidas or Nike: Adidas

Cheerios or Corn Flakes: yogurt covered cheerios

Name one random thing about yourself: I really hate turnips.

Hear My Prayer

Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;
answer me, for I need your help.
Protect me, for I am devoted to you.
Save me, for I serve you and trust you.
You are my God.
Be merciful to me, O Lord,
for I am calling on you constantly.
Give me your happiness, O Lord,
for I give myself to you.
O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.
Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord;
hear my urgent cry.
I will call to you when I'm in trouble,
and you will answer me.

Psalm 86:1-7

I really like that verse. I am trying to figure out a way to move forward and get closer to God, to close the gap between Him and I. I am going back to church at Faith for the second time this coming Sunday and I'm really looking forward to it. There really is something that has sparked inside of me: I randomly read the bible, and I've began to pray again. I think I've always spouted out random prayers but I think now my prayers are focused to God, than just to empty space..if that makes sense.

Day Seven: A Photo Of Someone You Miss

Chris. Dork. We met randomly through our friend from a chat he set up. Even though we don't chat or see each other as much as we would like, you still are such a dear friend to me. It was so great seeing you during winter break, I love catching up like old times.



Hannah. I can't believe that I haven't seen you in years, but I hope you're doing well. I will never forget our Blevins phase nor will I forget the many years and many days we spent together. I love you. I miss you too, and I hope we see each other soon.



Emma. You are my best friend. You are more wonderful than you know, and you've been there for me when I've needed you. Have faith, things will get better, and I will always be here if you need me. It was so great seeing you and I'm glad you're a part of my life.


So I realize this post was only supposed to be about "SOMEONE" I miss, but I couldn't help but mention more than just that one.

I will leave you with a quote:

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

Moods

It is strange how someone's mood can directly affect yours. I dislike that. My day has been alright so far...ideally it could be better because a couple things have just been off today, but still, I was doing fine.

Anyway, it's just putting me in an off mood, and I just want to go home and do nothing. I am not looking forward to working 9 hours tomorrow on my SDO, and I wish on my SDO I could just DO nothing (although, sadly, I wouldn't know what to do with having a blank schedule..spontaneity is hardly in my vocabulary). You know I'm not in the greatest mood, if I don't even want to go to soccer. Oh well, I will work these few hours, and then go to soccer, and then hopefully my mood will improve.

Can't people just be happy?

Yep so that's my rant and me venting.

Day Six: A Photo Of Someone You Love

Oh Aris. We have gone through a lot of moments, and I will never forget the Cherry Mash stuff. I love you, and you are an awesome friend. Come back to Fargo soon.

Love,

Charito

Day Five: A Photo That Makes You Laugh

Day Four: A Photo Of A Place That Makes You Laugh

It took me awhile to figure out a picture and a place that makes me laugh because well there are a lot of places, but I thought I would revert back to my childhood, especially since I was reminded of this place in a conversation I had yesterday at work. We were talking about the parks that we enjoyed when we were growing up, and how the fact that parks have changed now in that they are "safer" and definitely not as fun....at least I think.

I remember the days when my elementary school actually had an all wood playground where you could climb everywhere and as high as you could, and it was so much fun. Now everything is plastic-y and safe haha.

Anyway I love this park that I have as my picture. It's French Park located in Plymouth, MN. It has been around forever, or at least since I've been in MN. I have a lot of fond memories in this mark which includes getting stuck, getting rope burn, getting bruises, falling off the ropes...I understand those all sound painful but you have to realize I was between the ages of 6-13 and during those times I could care less if I ever got hurt (I still feel that way even now), it was too fun to care.

Back To Church

Today I went to church for the first time in awhile. While I am not going to put my reasons why I have been away from church for so long, just know there are several reasons to why and a lot of has to do with my unanswered questions about a specific time in my life.

How did it go? It went really well, it was a great experience. When I got to church I was welcomed by several, and funny enough I ran into a lady that had done my nails a few times...boy that was what I really needed. I ran into the Pastor "Kev" who runs the show and he was really fun to talk to, and he showed me the church and introduced me to his wife, etc. After saying hi to a few folks that I didn't know, I sat down with my friend Kathy and waited for my boyfriend and his friend to get there. Anyway, throughout the service it was calming (although my legs were shaking, my hands freezing from my nerves..) the hymns were familiar, and I was in good company.

Pastor Kev's message was good, I didn't hear everything in detail due to my nerves but I got the message. I definitely like his approach and how he delivers the message. His message was part of his sermon series: "Living Larger Than Ourselves", and he was talking about how it means we've been given the power to change the world. Wow...the power to change the world? That is a big thing to be able to do...and yet it seems so impossible with how our world is today. He was right though, it is hard to live in this world with all the problems that we see. Anyway, he talked about three things that we could do:

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Change your heart.

My heart has been changed but it's been changed since I was around 6ish? I surrendered my life to God at that age, and I believed that he would watch over and take care of me. It is because of the world we live in (where life events happen when they shouldn't have happened), to why I veered away from God slowly. I am angry at Him for certain things, and I have questions that I don't know if anyone can answer. I am simply afraid that there are no answers, or maybe God will never answer. At this time in my life, I have such a struggle giving my life to God and to grasp the conect that I do not have control that He does. How does one fathom that? All my life, I have tried to control everything, yet nothing was really in my control...if that makes sense. I like to feel like I have control, that I know where things are headed, that I can direct everything in my life.

I don't know, God has my changed my heart, but we need to have a talk, and I'm not sure when that will take place...maybe a few times after going to church, maybe talking to someone like Pastor Kev, maybe when I am simply just willing to commit or just listen to God.

Here are a couple of good verses that I find fitting for this part, but these verses also are difficult to take, to conceptualize but I'll get there:

Don't worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace which exceeds anything we understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer.
Proverbs 16:1

1. From self-centeredness to others-centered.

There are times where I feel like focus way too much on myself, and there are other times where I focus too much on others. I would like to figure out a way to balance my life better so that I don't neglect the thought of others nor do I neglect myself. If I had to pick one, I would say I'm more others-centered because I care more about the needs and feelings of other people, than feelings of my own. I would rather give than take from people. A good example of this is listening to my friends' drama or feelings, or their struggles, where I don't share mine. I have a hard time sharing what's going on in my life because I know that people have a ton to already worry about, than to worry or care about me. I know that sounds ridiculous but I just don't want to add to their struggles.

Below would describe me very well.

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.
Proverbs 14:3

I have been going through a difficult time lately, and I feel like I have been selfish because the person who I talk with about all my questions and struggles, I feel like I'm overwhelming him and I shouldn't. I feel like I am taking too much of his time with my needs, and should just deal with those at another time, and just have fun and hang out with him, and talk about other things. I struggle with the need for someone to listen, and the feeling of selfishness because I am taking up someone's time when I share (and I share a lot including negativity) what's on my mind.

2. From pride to humility.

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out for only your own interests; but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Philippians 2:3-5

This verse kind of fits in with the first one and this one as well. I know I could probably due this in respect to not trying to impress others. I do not try to impress them in a way that's like "look at me" but I do try my hardest to please them in ways of trying to impress them? I care enough about how people think about me, that I just try pretty hard to please/impress them...it is has been in my nature for so long that it is something so hard to grow out of. It is a great concept, this verse is something I wish I could see in our world today more often...

Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.
Philiipians 2:14-16

The first line right there is something hard to do...don't you think? We are filled with wants and needs, and with those come complaints and arguments. I wish we could just simply be happy with what we've got, but there's always a need for something, or someone.

3. From greed to ______ ? For the life of me I can't remember that fill-in-the blank.

I do remember he talked about how we can't serve two Gods: we can't serve God and money. I believe in this one with my whole heart but for reasons I do not want mention.

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You could definitely say that I gave some thought to his message, and I really did learn more than I thought. Going to church today gave set a small spark in me to keep trying at this church and God "thing"...I want to conquer this part of my life, and I want to be able to listen to God, and not be angry with Him. I have said in my other posts that I am happy, but I cannot be completely happy if I am still angry with God.

I will end with this verse, it seems fitting for the sermon series:

We put no confidence in human effort, though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more!
Philippians 3:3-4